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I just discovered Julia’s blog last week when she left me a novel of a comment on my Breaking Up to Travel post. A girl after my own heart, not only has she traveled and lived all around the world at a young age and writing about it on her blog, Nowhere to Go but Everywhere, she has also had to go through dealing with international affairs of the heart. Bonding via email, I begged her to write me a guest post while I am in Turkey. What pinged in my inbox the next day did not disappoint. In this post, Julia explores the little-discussed side of falling in love abroad.
How many travel and expat bloggers out there have wonderfully successful international relationships that they are more than happy to share with the world? As much as I love reading those stories, from my own years spent in Spain I have learned that dating abroad is not all sunshine and fairytales, and it has been idealized online far too often. From her own experiences, Julia breaks it down for all of those starry-eyed youngsters hoping to fall in love while abroad.
Have you ever dated, had a fling or fallen in love abroad? Tell us about it! How did it end?
It seems like a dream…you move to a mysterious new land, meet a handsome stranger and fall hopelessly, passionately in love. Soon enough, you’re riding on the back of his Vespa through winding roads to watch the sunset from a spot that only locals know about thinking, is this real life??
That’s exactly what happened to me when I studied abroad in Granada, Spain last spring and, BOY, do I wish I had someone warn me that such a romance isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I wouldn’t trade in my experience for the world, but I want to share some of the darker sides of falling in love abroad that no one talks about.
First, some upsides to international love. I met a fantastic guy, I became fluent in Spanish from constantly conversing with my novio and his friends and family in their language. I learned colloquial terms and sayings I never would have known and got an insiders look into lesser-known spots in the city.
Oh, and I got to fall deeply in love in one of the most romantic cities in the world…I guess that’s pretty cool too.
But, just like any relationship, there are some aspects that are extremely difficult and painful. The difficult parts are often exacerbated in a foreign land as you are introduced to new cultural practices, beliefs and values. A language barrier doesn’t help things. So, I’ve put together a list of things that either hindered my relationship directly or have happened to my friends.
This should serve as a caution to starry-eyed girls who go abroad looking for a fairy tale…like a certain 20 year old I once knew.
1.This isn’t his first time at the rodeo
If you met at a disco/bar where study abroad students tend to flock; Rico Suave came with one thing in mind. Use your head, chica. Each year, thousands of Americans and international students move to these hotspot cities looking for an adventure, and men absolutely take advantage of this. Most women let loose, and rightly so, it’s a time for fun and few obligations. But, unfortunately for many women, this means doing things they normally wouldn’t back home. If a man picks you up in one of these situations, be wary. Oftentimes, the men that frequent these places are just looking for a fling, banking on the fact that a ton of girls are hoping to fall in love. We go in thinking it’s love, a story to tell our grandchildren, while we’re more than likely just going through a revolving door of American girls.
{If he pursues you outside of the nightlife atmosphere, doesn’t try to sleep with you immediately, and especially if he involves you in his life with his family and friends, however, he could very well be an exception}
2. You may not be in love with him
Moving away from home to a foreign land presents a multitude of new experiences that could influence your feelings during this time. When choosing where to move abroad, most women choose charming and romanticized places whether it be Rome, Barcelona, Buenos Aires or New Zealand. With the history, natural beauty and exciting culture, it’s easy to fall in love with the place you’re in and the life you live there. Between the yummy food, flowing drinks and new adventures, your pleasure center is constantly stimulated. Mix in a relationship with all these feelings and emotions and it becomes hard to distinguish how you feel about the person versus how you feel towards life in general at this time. Would you be in love with this guy if you were back in your home town? Would you want him to meet your parents? These are things worth thinking about if you’re interested in more than a fling.
3. You’ll never 100% understand each other
This one pertains solely to relationships where there is a language barrier. You could be as fluent as a non-native can be, but it is nearly impossible to truly understand humor or complicated emotion in a language that is not your mother tongue. Things like dry humor, sarcasm, and goofy jokes are extremely difficult to accurately translate. Combine that with the difficulty of conveying exactly why you’re mad/hurt/upset in a new language, and a lot of important things get lost in translation. This makes for a lot of frustration and, more than likely, many unnecessary fights.
{Upside: with all the passion and excitement surrounding you, makin’ up ain’t haaaalf bad}
4. You’ll miss out on experiences
If you’re only living abroad for a limited amount of time, having a man in your home base can and will distract you in some way. This isn’t some feminist “sister, a man will only hold you back from becoming the woman you should be” speal. It’s a fact. If you’re in love with someone and know your time together is limited by your visa, you will want to spend as much time with him as possible. This means turning down weekend jaunts to Ibiza to stay with him and nixing girls’ nights out of shameless bar-top dancing with your friends for quiet nights with your man. Many people only get the chance to live abroad once, and though you don’t think so in the moment, turning down exciting opportunities could be something you may regret when you look back on your life.
5. There’s an expiration date on your relationship
This has been a theme in each of the previous points. You have a visa, and visas expire. This means one of two things. You have to either accept your romance as nothing more than a fling, or, you have to commit. Commit to making a bi-continental relationship work, commit to a permanent move at some point, or commit to staying together with no plan at all. To know that you’re in love and these things have a way of working out. This is, of course, up to you.
My point is that in order to protect yourself from heartbreak and disappointment, there is a lot to consider before entering into a love affair abroad. My friends like to refer to what I had with my love as “the fairytale,” and, in many ways, it was. When I look back on my time with him in Granada, I remember the most intense feelings I’ve ever experienced in my life; passion, pain, confusion, excitement, desperation and intense disappointment. I think I could have avoided some of the darker bits had someone made me conscious of the facts I’ve listed above. So, I hope that I can help at least one person to make the most of their time abroad. To immerse yourself, to love, and to explore, but to be aware, conscious, and smart.
My two biggest pieces of advice:
Don’t go looking for love, go looking for yourself and if love finds you, then love. You may find the man of your dreams. And if it’s a fling, go for it, girl.
I don’t think anyone ever regretted a tryst with a mysterious stranger.
{Disclaimer: I know people who have successful international relationships, so there are absolutely exceptions to this list}
Julia is a world traveler who has spent time living on the Cote d’Azure and Southern Spain. These days she calls New York City home..at least until September, when her wanderlust will relocate her to Madrid in search of new adventures. A sociologist and linguist at heart, she is passionate about seeking out new lands and cultures. She recently started blogging at Nowhere to go but Everywhere to chronicle past, present and future travels. Be sure to follow her out on Instagram and Twitter for real-time updates!
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youngadventuress
This post hits oh-so-very near to my little corazon. I initially had more qualms to my relationship with my Rico Suave, an English-wielding pilot named Enrique. I looked for ANYTHING to break us up, not willing to let my guard down or risk the big teary break up before hopping a plane back to America. But we eventually did break up when I realized Spain may not be it for me.
Turns out, I’m still here, Enrique and I are still very much in love, and that talking about these fears has taken us this far. We’ve talked about kids, marriage and the like, but at the end of the day, it was just dumb luck that we met and formed the kind of relationship I always wanted to have…just in Spanish!
I think talking about the fears, risks and realities of these relationships is so important, and that’s what I hoped to get at with this post. It is so easy to fall into a dreamy, jaded state when abroad, and overlook all the potential issues and risks that could lead to heart break.
It makes me so happy to hear that you and your Rico Suave have gotten through all that and are happily together! I love when these stories work out
I met many a toad on the road and as an expat before finding my British prince charming, including one really life-changing breakup I’m still trying to figure out how to write about. But of course, two years after I swore to “spend all my 20s single” I ended up meeting my fiance (when I was 21) — so you never know what may come of that travel fling!
So true! I think committing to the expat life absolutely makes things easier; with study abroad, you unfortunately HAVE to go back. In any case, difficult to start something with someone in a totally new situation and culture, and often we unknowingly risk so much. But that’s one of the best parts about the adventure we so desperately seek
Congratulations on the engagement!
#3 nailed it.
I love #2 – it’s so true, and definitely worth thinking about.
I haven’t really had much experience with love while traveling, though I DID have a fling with an Englishman last summer that I’m still trying to figure out (we’re still in touch and it’s just all sorts of confusing…).
If only the world wasn’t full of dashing men with sexy accents!
I completely agree with all of these, but especially #3. When I studied in Sevilla,Spain, it was hard to take any relationships (friendships and romantic) past a certain point because of the language barrier. Even though I spoke Spanish pretty close to fluently, there are some thoughts and feelings that you just can’t translate. I found that my relationships that were able to grow the most were with people who were also bilingual, who understood that is wasn’t especially easy for me to speak in my second language all the time. And when all else failed, we had another language to fall back on to help get the point across.
Very Woody Allen-y.
Falling for someone while traveling, and then proceeding to travel even more with said person is the dream. (accompanied by miscommunications of Shakespearean proportions)
Best. Comment. Ever. This post is the culmination of my very own Vicky Christina Barcelona experience, with a little Midnight in Paris mixed in every so often.
Though many don’t like to admit it, I think you hit the wanderer’s innermost dream on the head.
Many travelers reconcile that intimate relationships are incompatible with this way of life. Everything in my life is enhanced when it is shared with a Diane Keaton archetype
Thanks for being so frank, Julia. You are so right, an international romance isn’t a cakewalk. In fact, sometimes I feel like it is the hardest thing I’ve done. Incidentally, I met my Spanish boyfriend in France, where we were both studying, did a stint of long distance (which actually really strengthened our relationship) and now I’m an auxiliar near him.
While it is a whirlwind of passion and romance and sexy accents, it is also super stressful. Now that we are nearing the second anniversary, we have had to really think about what we want. Neither of us love the idea of marriage, but sometimes it feels like the only way to work this out…and that is really sad.
Right now we both live in the present, and enjoy our time together, love each other as much as we possibly can, and try not to think about visa expiration.
This hits so close to home! I actually met my boyfriend, from Spain, while he was studying abroad here. We’ve been dating for two and a half years, the past year and a half being bi-continental, and this year I hope to be abroad with the Auxiliares or BEDA program (which hopefully with renewals would give us a few years before we’re ready for a permanent move/marriage). #5 is really the deal breaker, if no one is willing to make a permanent move then it just won’t work long term. We discussed it for months before we decided to give a long (long) distance relationship a try. It’s definitely been a struggle but with someone as special as him it’s also been completely worth it.
WOW, I just moved to Valencia as an au pair and I met a guy thru a conversation exchange website 1 month after I found out I was moving to Valencia. My first idea was to make friends to hang out when I was here. We always had such a great time skyping and bu the end of the year he told me he liked me and of course I liked him too. So, I finally get here ( 17 days ago) and the first time we met was so normal! It seriously felt like we have seen each other a billion times. We have been going out every weekend and still talk every day thru Skype. I like him as much and much more than I did online, and he feels the same way !
Wish me luck !
How a propos!
I went to Florence, Italy, in 2002, for what was supposed to be one year. I ended up meeting an Italian, and in my quest to be with him (and figure myself out), I eventually enrolled at university for a degree. Alas, he & I mutually broke up after 5 years, while I was still in school. Amazingly though, he’s now one of my best friends. And even though a little over a year has passed since I moved back to the States, Italy is still very much a part of my life 
Plus I ended up meeting another Italian here in LA, so… I guess things worked out after all!
I can’t tell you how many people told me to meet a Spanish beau upon my departure abroad! Despite the anxious singletons awaiting a vicarious romance back home, I left looking for nothing more than a grand adventure and some space from my tired routine at home. Of course, as they say, love appears when you least expect it – it most certainly did for me! I managed to fall head first over a man I met during the second half of my stint in Spain and boy did it do me in. Lucky for me, he wasn’t the typical American-crazy, hookup-hopeful guy you so accurately warn against. Unlucky for me, my return ticket to the states was already staring me in the face and our time was limited. For me, the whole thing was worth it (particularly after the adorable broken Spanish version of asking me to be his valentine last week
), but if you’re going for it, ladies, be ready for a heck of a heartache! The theme of our relationship today? Algún día, es esta vida o en la otra, we will get our chance.
Oh international romance.
I firmly believe if it’s meant to be, it’s mean to be, distance and bumps in the road not withstanding. I myself am a product of study abroad romance. My mother met my father her junior year abroad while she lived in France for a year.
Are you ready for this? My father was her host brother! They lived in the same house for an entire year so my mother really got to know his family and her future in-laws by closely observing the family firsthand. There really isn’t a better way to figure out if the guy is right for you! Of course they didn’t get together right away–they got together around February and my mother left later that spring because she had to go back to college and graduate. Everybody told her it was a fling, but lo and behold my father came to visit her twice before they decided a translantic long distance relationship was kind of ridiculous. So they decided to get married–there was no grand proposal and getting down on one knee, which I think makes their story special (and less cheesy).
So yes my father had to leave his family behind since my mother and he decided to live in the US. But they are still together 30 years and 2 daughters later.
And if you think my parents are the exception and not the rule–my father’s younger brother did the EXACT same thing. He also married an American college student who ended up with my grandparents as host parents! International romances kind of run in the family.
WHAT! Loving these stories, how crazy!
This is such a great story. My romantic side is swooning!
Excellent post. Such truth to the words above. During university, I spent a year studying abroad in Florence and had my fair share of international romance. I learned the reality of 1-4 fairly quickly. However, it wasn’t until very recently returning a long trip in Brazil where I found myself a temporary Brazilian boyfriend that I really came to understand number 5. It seems romantic — the idea of carrying on a long-distance love affair with a foreign friend. Yet, it’s only when you become seriously invested in that person and THEN have to say goodbye that you realize how awful cross continental relationships are. When there’s no chance of one partner permanently moving to be with the other, it all just feels very pointless — which sucks.
Thanks for putting some of my thoughts into words. I’ll keep these things in mind the next time I think cupid has hit me with an international arrow
Love hearing about this because in the blogosphere, it does seem all rainbows and sunshine for the international relationships. After living in Germany a year and a half, I can say it’s just not like that (or maybe I haven’t found my rainbows and sunshine). But being in University towns, people have plans to move, more places to see, life plans. And me? It’s the same. What’s next? I can’t make decisions based on a guy. It makes relationships hard, the deadline. I’ve found it best to try and keep my distance and have a mega international life outside of him. Easier said than done, of course…
#3 Do you ever 100% understand someone, even if you share a native language? Really? After years of practice, I don’t even understand myself 100% yet.
Even after a few years with mine, we still have understanding mishaps. Sigh …
I agree, dating abroad does get romanticized. I met Mario when I wasn’t looking, and I think that’s honestly much better. I don’t like it (at all!) when I hear people express the desire to meet someone just based on their nationality. What if there’s a perfect American guy out there for you? Why does the person NEED to be Spanish? Plus I know several American women in Madrid who are tired of being treated as walking dictionaries for Spanish men to practice their English (and I suppose dating skills) on!
And to be quite honest, it is HARD enough to make it work with anyone, let alone someone who lives far away, whose family is very different, whose native language is not your own, etc. etc. Don’t go looking for it! I am quite happy with mine, but it isn’t easy!
These are such valid points that many people don’t realize when moving/traveling for long periods of time abroad. I met a really great guy while I was away and thought for sure I could end up living there forever…for him. I realize how naive I was is. I’m just so glad I didn’t let it keep me from any Thailand fun!
I thought I was successfully making it through a semester abroad in Barcelona without catching feelings for any guys until one unforgettable night when I went to a concert at my favoriteeee disco. Suddenly, as I was hopping around to the drum n bass beats, this gorgeous man began dancing with me…I thought to myself, a white man with rhythm? Okay! 4 hours of dancing later we found a food joint and began eating and conversing until sunrise. Day by day we found out we had EVERYTHING IN COMMON, besides him being an Italian male and me a West Indian female. After a month of being inseparable we agreed that we might of fallen into that “love shit” that we were both so against . After a year of nonstop communication and since I’ve been in the US, 1-7hour Skype sessions a day (don’t ask or judge I somehow have managed to still be successful) we’ve decided to move in together this summer. I still can’t figure it the fuck out.
Hi Liz! My name is Sara Thomas and I spent two years as an Auxiliar in Malaga. ( I think you know my friend Amanda Roberts, we met and became good friends in Malaga) First of all I just want to say my thanks to you and Julia for writing this blog. After living in Malaga two years I recently returned to the US to my small southern hometown and it has resulted extremely difficult. I wish that I had people here that understood the ups and downs of living abroad and someone that I could share my experiences with. So with that being said, it is wonderful to find your blog!
I started dating my Rico Suave only about a month after I arrived to Spain. So basically, I still hadn’t even adjusted to all the newness around me. I was an innocent little child who had no idea what was going on. Everything I did was done with an elevated amount of excitment from everything being so new, including the new relationship. We spent all of my two Auxiliar years together so I could go on forever but I am going to try to make it short and sweet. My issues with this person really became the dependency that developed. Because I was so far away from my safety net, my family and friends, and my support group, I clung to Rico Suave to act as all of these people for me. He showed throughout our time together that he was not equipped to take on all of those roles (what Spanish boy at age 28 is actually grown up yet anyway?). I leaned on him and relied on him to help me with all the decisions I made, to take care of my apartment problems, to fight all my battles for me in Spanish (because it is really hard to stand up and fight for yourself when it’s not your native language!) As you can see, I completely lost myself. This is not to say that I was a weak person, it is just when you are in a new culture far away from everything you know, it becomes easy to cling to someone to guide you along and show you the way of things. He saw how much I “needed” and depended on him and he used this to his advantage. I put up with SO MUCH crap that I never would have put up with if this would have been a normal relationship back home! #1 is so true, my Rico Suave got an ego boost when he started dating me and decided to go out and see how many other foreign girls he could reel in, while at the same time keeping me on the side! So I guess my word of advice would be, when you are living abroad make sure you make lots and lots of friends (both Spanish and foreigners like yourself) so that you can all support each other, but NEVER make just one person your only support! It could result in a terrible mess! I actually ended up having to leave Spain because it got so bad (I was going to do a third year and get my Master’s degree in Malaga) but I had to get out. I had to come back to the states and find myself again. I miss and think about Spain a gazillion times a day and I am aching to go back(hopefully to live!) but I had to come back first and get my feet back on the ground. I think the moral of this story is just to be cautious of getting involved with someone quickly when you are living abroad, if I was to do it all again I would take much more time to get to know the person and get involved with them because your emotions really do play tricks on you when you are in a new setting like that. And always go with my gut instinct, when something doesn’t feel right inside, that really is your gut trying to tell you! None of this is to say that people can’t find great relationships abroad, I truely do believe they can, mine just didn’t work out for all the reasons above. It was a great learning experience though! Liz thanks again for your blog and your stories!
Interesting post! Dating abroad can definitely be challenging, sometimes even impossible. I have something to add to #1 – even if you’re not in one of those ‘typical guiri’ places, it’s so easy to find guys who are just looking for a tourist to hook up with when you look obviously foreign. I’m blonde-haired and blue-eyed, so it can be a challenge finding guys to date who take me seriously as a person, not just as a novelty tourist hookup.
I’ve done all kinds of dating abroad, from flings to serious “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” stuff, and it’s definitely not like a fairytale!
Loved this post! Can relate to most points, but I’m not sure if people will actually absorb these realities until they actually experience them. I for sure did! Been boyfriendless for over a year now haha! I’ve found that while living abroad my ideal relationship is between a meaningless fling and an intense relationship. Few and hard to come by, but so worth the wait when they do.
It’s an interesting post.
I’m a Spanish guy and I fell in love with an American girl. I think it’s always difficult to have a relationship even with people from the same country, so imagine with someone from another.
I agree with you don’t understand the other just for the language sometimes, even for the intonation and that’s frustrating and it creates senseless fights.
On the other hand it’s very exciting and fun to know a foreign girl, maybe because of the differences too.
As you said sometimes it works but in my case, she disappeared one day forever and I’ll never know anything about her again. It’s a shame because I really loved this girl.
Have you ever dated, had a fling or fallen in love abroad? Tell us about it! How did it end?
Sometimes, it can work out!
Chris and I met while he was spending a gap year in Canada. A 21 year old from the UK, he decided on his second night to grab a drink at a local dive bar and it was there that we met. After much internal debate, I decided that even though I knew it couldn’t last (at that time, I wasn’t a traveller and had no intention of moving abroad), I would date him anyway. We fell in love quickly, but came to terms with the fact that after a year, it would end.
We were wrong.
Before he left, we decided to give it a shot at working for good. We did long distance for a year, then I obtained a working visa so I could move to the UK to be with him. We spent 2 years living in England together, taking many trips throughout Europe during our time there, enjoying every moment. After 2 years, his company transferred him back to Canada, and before we moved, we took the summer off and trekked around Asia. Just over two years ago, we started our lives in Canada, but continued travelling and searching for ways to build on the adventure we’d experienced so far.
This summer we are getting married.
It CAN work, if you open your heart and your mind and take a giant leap of faith. And, if you have a partner who is willing to do the same.
Interesting post, love the stories in the comments. These things can work but it takes committment and sacrifice, usually on both sides!
The second day I moved to Belgium to study abroad, I met a Norwegian that I fell hopelessly in love with!
Fast forward four months later, I decided to finish my degree in Belgium and have been living here for 2 1/2 years, no end in sight
It of course does seem very fairytale like, but it involves a lot of hard work and like I said, sacrifice on either one of you or both of you in order to stay together. Language barriers, cultural differences, visa problems, are all very serious. Although I consider how lucky I am, having the legal ability to stay with my boyfriend – whereas many gay couples are unable to legally stay together depending on the countries they live in and are from. That’s a whole other subject!
wowza sounds like you are one lucky girl!
While I ‘survived’ my time studiying abroad and didn’t fall in love, this did not happen when I went to work for half a year in China and travel in other parts of Asia afterwards.
My cousin is together with an Irish man whom she met while traveling in Australia. Seeing how me and my cousin are very alike, my mom, who saw the same thing happening to me already that happened to my cousin, ‘warned’ me before I left for China ‘not to fall in love’.
She should not have done that. After a month in China I met my boyfriend. We became friends, there were no lovey-feelings involved at all (we were both not looking for love, at all). Or, that is what I kept telling myself. I was leaving in a few months and since he is American and Im Dutch I didn’t really see a future for us. But after 2 months of just friendship we were both ready to admit there was more to it.
And you know with love, if it’s meant to be, you can’t stop it. So, long story short, we decided to give it a go. We decided that almost 2,5 years ago and we’re still going strong.
Yes, it’s not always easy but those moments don’t ‘beat’ the moments that we’re happy we made the decision to commit and see how things would evolve. Cause the last years have been really good.
Right now we’re still living in China. That’s works for us now (especially visa-wise), in the future we’d like to move somewhere else, that could become difficult…
I still think this post makes it look pretty rosy. Ending it with a message indicating sleeping around with mysterious men is extremely unwise – you are only perpetuating the stereotype and worsening the very problem you’re addressing in this article.
I too feel in love in Spain. We stayed in touch for a couple years, visiting each other and the like. Until I realized it was just unrealistic.
One of my best friends married her “rico suave” because it was the only way for them to be together. It worked for the first year while they still lived abroad, but once they moved back to the US she realized there was a lot more to her life than what this guy represented. They’re now getting divorced, two years later.
It’s not impossible to have a real romance abroad, but don’t be another silly gringa.
Hi Laura,
I’m sorry you were so disillusioned by your experiences with love abroad. I know first-hand how hard that can be. That said, I think you may have gotten the wrong message from my article, as my objective was to encourage young women to be conscious about the realities of relationships abroad, not to promote random sex. As I say above: “I think I could have avoided some of the darker bits had someone made me conscious of the facts I’ve listed above. So, I hope that I can help at least one person to make the most of their time abroad. To immerse yourself, to love, and to explore, but to be aware, conscious, and smart.”
Yes, I do close out the post with a little bit of sass, but I am in no way promoting sleeping around. It seems that you have taken my statement in a very negative light, and interpreted it to mean “promiscuous, silly girls sleeping around with random men,” but that sentiment is absolutely not present in my words. This post is about romance, not sex. I’m a romantic at heart, and truly believe that if a woman is interested in a flirtation or whirlwind romance (or even sex) then that is her right, and her business. I would never consider myself or any other woman a “silly gringa” for being brave enough to open her heart to someone. After all, what we do with our own hearts and our own bodies as empowered women really isn’t for anyone but God to judge, now is it?
Relationships like these often teach us something valuable about ourselves and life in general, especially when they take place in a foreign land. I hope this post can help other women be aware of the dangers that these romances pose to the heart, to help them make an informed decision and let them know that they are not alone in their struggles. If this post helps even 1 person avoid the disappointment that I (and it seems you and your friend) have experienced, then I will be happy.
Thanks for taking the time out to comment, and I hope you now see my story in a more positive light.
- J.
I am in my early 30s. I live and work abroad. I fell in love over the last year. We both know my contract is temporary. And we have discussed several times the fact that I will go home, and we will not be together. Sometimes there are certain sacrifices some people are not willing to make. I am willing to discuss possible ways or next steps, but I know he is not ready to make any change so that we could be together. I am not willing to wait for him to see what I see.
Even as we agreed that our relationship has a term, and that sounds sad, it has helped me understand many things, which is great. All relationships have terms. No two people will ever fully understand each other. Each relationship has a unique opportunity for each person to grow. And because we both understand that we will be apart, no moment is wasted. All time together is precious. We leave nothing on the table. We learn, teach, and grow. We can be more open and more vulnerable perhaps, because we are not afraid of any commitment issues. And I think all of this understanding, practiced well, leads to good habits applicable to all relationships.
I don’t know if I would have gotten into the same relationship with the same person had I been in the US. There is something special about living abroad, something that makes us open our eyes, hearts, and minds, unlike any other life circumstances.
It makes me sad to think I will live apart from this man and the best relationship of my life. I have hope though, that the best is yet to come. I know I won’t settle for anything less.
There’s surprisingly little written about study abroad romances – your blog post wraps it up well! Especially #5 about the expiration date.. as sad as it might be to have that, sometimes the best moments happen because of the time constraints. That’s what I keep telling myself to stay positive
I came across your blog because I just returned to the USA from a 3 month stay in India. I met an Indian man and he and I have strong feelings for each other. We dated a few times when I was there and would text every day. We do keep in touch almost daily since my return to the USA. I do feel a connection with him and there’s something about him that makes me want to continue communicating. Before I left India, he did tell me that if we were to be together in life, I would have to move to India because living in the US is much more expensive.. Still sorting through my feelings about that one.. lol
I do agree with a lot of the comments here, especially the ones that say if it’s meant to be, it will work out. I let go and hand this over to the Divine/God. But there’s something in me that lights up whenever I think about, see and talk to him…
Thanks so much for this article! I’ve been there, done that. In every possible way… and seem not to have yet learnt from my mistakes.
That said, I try to never think of them as mistakes, as they’ve made me who I am, and I wouldn’t know as much as I do without them.
I think you nailed the un-glamourous parts of falling in (and out) of love when abroad. Thank you for your honesty