Guys, the funniest thing happened to me the other day.
Now, I know I probably say that a lot, but this time I REALLY MEAN IT! I swear!
So a month ago I got invited on a whirlwind trip to the Maldives (fuck you, Liz) to deliver a keynote speech for a conference. I flew Emirates business class all the way there. I slept in overwater bungalows in beds that could have fit four people. I stayed on my own private island.
Don’t mind me, I’m just over here living my best life, guys. Seriously though, how the hell is that my life?! Slap me, go on, hate me. I hate me.
I was only there for four days, but it was a great four days. Oh, and it was my second free trip to the Maldives in a year.
But I’ve got something to confess, so don’t stop reading because I’m about to share my favorite funny travel story to date!
I had one and a half free days to myself in the Maldives on this trip. And they weren’t even that free, I had heaps of work to do.
But I took a break from my laptop mid-morning to go for a swim from my lovely romantic bungalow that is built on the water. You know, those ones everyone wants to stay in, especially on their honeymoon.
I wasn’t on my honeymoon though. Sigh. Haven’t managed to trick a guy yet.
My villa. Honeymoon for one?
I’m also going to preface this by saying I’m one of those people who is a magnet for “why me” moments. Can you relate?
Let me set the scene. It’s a scorching hot sunny day, and the water is as warm as a bathtub. I grab my fins and snorkel and climb down from my balcony to take some photos. Then I think, this water is ridiculously amazing, I’m gonna go for a proper swim.
Fair warning, the sea really isn’t deep enough to swim from around your bungalow until high tide, and even then the current can be a bit strong (this is an important thing to remember for later).
I’m only here for a few days, I’ve got to spend as much time in the water as I can, right?
Most resorts in the Maldives are on small islands, and have these overwater bungalows that go off from either side along a very long boardwalk. So I decide to swim all along the bungalows around to the other side then back to mine.
A very sane and logical decision, and I might add as a side note, a few other people were out swimming off their private decks too. I was not alone. Can you see where this is going?
Seriously, the water is amazing. It’s so clear and warm, and there are so many fish about, honestly, it’s the most beautiful beach place I’ve ever been, and I don’t say that lightly.
I passed other people swimming and sunning on their deck, waving hello and sharing “how amazing is this?” chit chat, as I paddle around.
I get all the way to the end of the bungalow boardwalk, then come back along the rows of villas on the other side. It’s high tide and a bit choppy with the current pushing me along coming back in the opposite direction.
I have this big goofy grin on my face, and I alternate between swimming on my stomach and on my back, every other second having one of those “pinch me is this real life?” moments.
I mean come on, 36 hours before I was in the snow in New Zealand. Now I was in 30 degree crystal clear water in the middle of paradise!
And then I heard a noise. Laughter. To be expected.
I hear “oh hello,” and more giggles.
I roll over into the water looking around saying “oh hi,” before spotting a couple on a balcony deck near me, and I raise my hand to wave. I mean, I’m in such a good mood; I’m even being social! Paradise, it does things to you.
Wait, why isn’t she wearing a top? Oh, they have no clothes on.
Then I realize.
They are naked. Totally naked.
AND doing it.
Hankie pankie. Having sex. Banging. Coitus. Going to the bone zone.
On the balcony. (Technically, over the balcony)
Meters from me.
In broad daylight. At 11am.
It was one of those horrible moments where you’re looking at something and don’t initially realize what you’re seeing, like a giant spider on your leg or a car crash.
Me: 1, 2, 3, blink blink, OH MY FUCKING GOD! GAH!
Immediately begins to twist and flop around in the water looking away, choking on seawater.
I yell, “SORRY I’M NOT LOOKING,” as I frantically try to swim away.
And this is the best part, I couldn’t swim away back where I came from because the high tide current was too strong. I literally couldn’t get away!! IT WAS THE STUFF OF NIGHTMARES!
In the end I just let it float me away underneath the villas back towards my side. Their villa to be exact.
Where I promptly died of embarrassment and was never seen from again.
What’s your best funny travel story? Have you ever accidentally stumbled on something you weren’t meant to see? Share!