How to NOT to Be a Douche Online

oversharing online

Ok guys, I have a confession: I tend towards having a sassy mouth (i.e. I can be a sarcastic bitch). It’s not one of my more admirable qualities, but hey, nobody’s perfect and I’d say 80% of people find it entertaining. If you fall in the 20% category and do not find the smartass amusing (mom), you might want to stop reading now.

What does this have to do with anything? No idea.

Well, I spend too much goddamn time on the internet (I blame this blog). That’s where this all begins. And because I spend so much time wasting away my youth on the computer, I notice a lot of interesting behavior online. Alarming behavior. People act in very interesting ways on the internet. Someone should do a study on it.

Now one thing I have noticed online a lot are people who act like complete douches! Can someone explain this phenomenon to me? Actually, I have my own theory. Online, you are not face to face with people, so you can ignore or not notice people’s reactions to your behavior easily, or more likely, people just ignore you which allows for your d-bag side to run wild and free. Whereas if you are with people personally, they will most likely tell you you’re being a douche, or they make that WTF face at you that says “hey, tone it the hell down or you’re gonna lose some friends real fast.” Am I onto something?

If you didn’t think I was batshit crazy before, you do now.

I guess over the past few weeks, I have been seeing some things online over and over again that irk the pants off me (new expression) which led to a full on rant post. So over the years of my scientific observation of the human behavior on the interwebs, I have broken down this d-bag behavior into 5 subcategories and consequently compiled a list of how to avoid such annoying tendencies. Feel free to share and chime in.

Here are my 5 key tips of how not to be a douche online:

oversharing online

1. Stop publicizing the sh*t out of your relationship online

Congratulations, you are in a relationship! If the simple fact of finding true love is not enough, you have to share every minute of it with the rest of the world. Understandably you’re happy, and sharing what makes you happy online is fine in small doses, but when I open up my newsfeed and all I see are “I miss you more” status updates along with making out pictures, it makes me want to bang my head against the wall and weep for humanity. Don’t you have anything else going on in your life? You are not in high school anymore (though I am depressingly single as I write this, I felt the same way during ALL my past relationships).

oversharing online

Cough, cough TAYLOR SWIFT. Guilty!

Think about it this way, if you are hanging out with people face-to-face, would the only thing you talk about is your boyfriend? You wouldn’t have very many friends, and trust me, the rest of us are wondering what’s really behind all the fake smoochy attention-seeking crap. Do you need double-digit likes and several comments before you feel that your relationship is validated? Now grow up, stop acting like a middle-schooler and quit making a fool of yourself online. You’ll thank me after your break-up.

2. Start posting interesting stuff on Instagram

Photos of your feet, your average meal or girls making kissy faces: you know who you are, don’t even try to deny it. 3/4’s of your Instagram stream are of the same pictures over, and over, and over again, maybe with a sunset photo thrown in for good measure (I’m a total hypocrite here). Is originality dead, people? Have you seen this parody? I spend 9 hours a day staring at a cubicle wall and I still manage to take photos with variety. Ok I repost old photos sometimes, but still, A for effort. But when I open Instagram and all I see are pictures of your damn noodle soup cropped with a lo-fi filter, I just want to roll my eyes and laugh. At least buy alphabet soup and spell your name out if you are going to have the creative range of a toddler.

oversharing online

Same goes for you (girls) who take a photo standing up, looking down at your legs and feet; man, that really wows me. “Your knees look exceptionally fine in those dark rinse skinny jeans, and where did you buy those furry boots?!” said no one ever. But the worst offenders are the poser selfie shots. You know what I’m talking about, ladies; chin down, head angled jauntily to the side, bug eyes looking up at your camera phone or mirror, no smile, or gasp, the duck face. Girls, I totally understand your need for approval, I’ve been there. We all have our bad days, and nothing makes you feel good fast like a “you look so pretty” comment on the interwebs. Just keep it to a minimum or you run the risk of appearing like a desperate biddie.

oversharing online

It’s a scientific fact that if you make this face and pose your phone camera at this angle, you’ll look attractive. OMG look at my cheekbones and Angelina lips! Not. Just remember that you look equally desperate which cancels out all cute points

oversharing online

Here’s my big secret. Actually two big secrets. When you need some lovin’ online, post a photo of yourself with other people (or even just you) looking really happy. There is nothing more attractive than a happy girl (except maybe a happy girl with big boobs). Otherwise, post a pic of yourself looking all fine with something else in the photo too, like of you traveling somewhere nifty or you holding something up saying hey, look at me AND this thing I’m holding, so it’s not all about me. Works. Like. A. Charm.

oversharing online

Exhibit A: me looking exceptionally happy with a ridiculous grin holding up a guide book. Got over 100 likes on my Instagram page. People love genuine (foolish) smiles

3. Oversharing is not caring

Is it just me or are people’s absolute worst traits amplified on the internet? Don’t get me wrong, there are a few select individuals from high school I have saved from the annual Facebook purge solely for entertainment purposes. Tell me how your baby daddy done gone and broke your heart with that fat waitress from Buffalo Wild Wings. Go on, tell us how you really feel. There are very few people who can get away with sharing just about everything online, and most likely you’re not one of them. Anyone with half a brain can see through your eager update, take my word for it, so be careful. Whether you are writing a 140 letter tweet about how angsty and depressed you are or sharing a blow-by-blow status of your birthing pains, there are some things we just don’t need to see online. That’s why god invented personal blogs and therapists.

oversharing online

4. Remember now, good spelling and grammar are sexy

What the hell happened to the English language over the past decade? Sometimes I see things on my social media networks that I actually have to read out loud to decipher. Decent spelling and grammar are really not that hard, considering most of us went to school for what, at least 15 years? Laziness online turns me off but since it is so rampant and unavoidable nowadays, that whenever I see someone write and punctuate correctly, I’m shocked.

oversharing online

Source The Oatmeal

Learn the difference between you’re and your, and heaven forbid, “ur.” If I see that there is a 99% chance you’re getting defriended or unfollowed in a matter of seconds, unless you’re Snooki, in which case all grammar mistakes are forgiven on the spot. Gentlemen, improve your vocabulary and improve your chances with the ladies. Use a SAT vocab word on the first date, and you’ll get a second date. Whip out a GRE level word and you’re likely to get a smooch. Use a word I’ve never heard before, and I’m yours forever (or at least for the night).

oversharing online

5. Stop being a hater

Now I know what you’re thinking, pot calling the kettle black much? Yeah, I hear you. Even when I see all of the above-mentioned obnoxious behavior, I almost never call people out on it, with the exception of this post (again, hypocrite here). Though I feel I am allowed to fling all this hate around because I’ve been guilty of doing all these things at one time in my life, and I am actually trying to help people to be less douchy online in the long run. You’re welcome. I’ve only left one hate comment on a blog in my life, and it seems like I’ll never hear the end of it. Nobody likes a hater, and everyone has the right to be abhorrent and annoying on the internet. Just remember there are plenty of people out there like me who have the right to think you’re annoying and abhorrent too.

Actually, that’s false, people love haters as long as they aren’t hating on them. Hate is pretty entertaining, have you seen my best hate comments post? It’s the second most-read article on my blog (what the hell does that say about me?) Though I can never understand why people take the time to troll around and whine about celebrities, blogs, and god knows what else under the sun online (without some higher purpose). What kind of mental state are you in if you take the time to create an entire website dedicated to hating someone? Get a life!

oversharing online

What the f*ck did I just read?

I read a lot of blogs and I am always shocked when I scroll through the comments sections, especially of popular bloggers or articles. And don’t even get me started on the fashion bloggers! People can be so mean online! And the worst offenders are the anonymous commenters. Just because you’re an ugly f*cker behind your computer doesn’t mean you can take out your feelings of self-loathing on everyone else. Step one to not being a certified, straight-up d-bag online is quit hating on other people in public forums, along with spelling things right.

See how clever I was with this? If you leave me a hate comment on this post, as some of you dear anons are sure to do, I’ve already labeled you as a douche. ZING! Go ahead, do your worse, and maybe you might even make my hater hall of fame (copyright pending).

What do people do online that annoys you? Any douchey moments I might have missed? What are your tips for not being a douche online?

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