I’m just going to go ahead and make a bold statement. I hate planes. I fucking hate them.
I hate airports. I hate people who work in airports (TSA agents I’m looking at you). I hate the hassle of airports. Why we just can’t apparate from point A to B by now is beyond me.
This probably comes from the fact that I spend so much of my time on planes nowadays. In fact, I’m sure that’s why. I’m also a severe introvert so more than 4 people in a confined space tend to stress me out. Lock me in a tiny moving tin tube for more than an hour with hundreds of other breathers, and I start to have anxiety attacks.
Sounds like I picked the wrong profession, right?
Granted, I have had many flights go by without a hitch, which makes the bad ones hell in comparison. Combined with the fact that I have a special talent for finding myself in really uncomfortable situations makes me really NOT look forward to long travel days.
It’s been a while since I ranted on here but I needed to do something while traveling for days on end over the past week. After years of reflection, I’ve realized it all boils down to two things: respect and awareness. If only people were more aware of all the people around them on flights AND respected them, 99% of flights would take off without general grumpiness.
Of course there is always someone misbehaving. Always.
Here are my 10 things I wish people would really stop doing on airplanes:
1. Smelling like, well, anything
As a general rule, you should probably shower sometime close to take-off. And if showering is impossible, bring a change of clothes and deodorant in your carry-on. Please. Can I even begin to count the number of times I’ve been on a flight in close proximity to someone who reeked? I don’t get it, how can you not be aware that you smell like a high school locker room? If I don’t shower, I am painfully aware of it, and I would never consider subjecting someone next to me on a flight to that.
Then of course the opposite happened while I was waiting at Dulles Airport last week to catch my flight to San Francisco. Across the aisle in the waiting area before boarding, as I was sipping my coffee I watched in horror as a woman took out a bottle of some kind of hippy essential oil and proceed to douse herself in it. I could literally feel my eyes prickling from 15 feet away. It was like she was anointing herself in holy communion or something.
As far as I’m concerned, everyone should smell neutral on a plane. Good or bad, I don’t want to smell you at all.
2. Asking to switch seats
Ok, I’m anal – I like a window seat. I go to great lengths to make sure I have my seat planned, prepped and reserved in advance before I even journey to an airport. Sometimes I even have to pay for it.
Have you ever been on a flight where people are boarding and there’s a family that doesn’t have seats together and they go around asking people to switch seats? It’s happened to me several times, and I feel like a bitch but I always say no. I picked my seat, dammit, and I am not giving it up because someone is too lazy to plan in advance.
Have they heard of the internet? Do they have phones? It’s not that hard to get in contact with an airline in advance and rearrange seats or even when you are checking in, but why wait til you are on the plane to ask is beyond me. The only airline I’ve ever had problems with about seat selection is American Airlines, but that’s a story for a different day.
3. Overhead bin violations
Flights are almost always full nowadays, which means the overhead bins can be a hot commodity. If you are traveling with a big backpack or rolling suitcase, you have to use the bin. However, I’ve got little legs, and I always stow my canvas tote and camera satchel under the seat in front of me, except for when I take my backpacking backpack on board. And while I settle in my seat, I watch people over and over again stuff tiny purses, shopping bags, coats and other small foldable crap in the empty overhead bins while the plane still boards.
You see my backpack? It can’t fit under the seat, do you mind if I move your feather down jacket and duty-free booze bags so I can put it in the overhead bin?
I always feel like a dick when I have to move people’s stuff around or ask them to move it if I need to stow a bigger bag up there. Use some common sense and don’t be an idiot. Wait until the plane has boarded THEN put your smaller shit away if you need to.
The lack of common sense in people continues to astonish me.
4. Using the headrest in front of you to stand up
This drives me bananas. It takes a lot for me to fall asleep on a plane, especially when I forget to bring my Ambien with me. It makes me want to scream if I’ve finally fallen asleep only to be physically jerked away when the person behind me grabs my seat to sit up.
This is something that also baffles me. Why can’t people stand up putting their hands on the arm rests, the wall, or heaven forbid their own seat?
In-flight behavior 101 – never touch the seat in front of you unless it’s an emergency. And for some reason if you do need to, apologize or give some heads up first.
5. Not patrolling your kids
Another hot topic in the travel world – traveling with kids. Normally I’ve got no problem with kids on planes, I don’t even mind babies. Kids are kids, babies cry, I get all that, no problem.
My beef starts when parents don’t control their offspring on planes. That drives me nuts. Whether these feral kids are kicking my seat like a soccer ball, running up and down the aisles, or screaming while the parents just sit there, that’s when I get pissy. No one invades my personal space cave on a flight. NO ONE.
This is why I’ve reverted to the Oatmeal school of thought where I believe airplanes should be laid on with special kennels in the back for children. Sigh, one day.
I’m not a mom yet; I’ve made the decision I’m not ready to deal with all the baby stuff yet, which means I don’t want to deal with your parent issues either. I’ve had a kid spill a drink on me because mommy was too busy watching the movie in her aisle seat once, but the absolute worst was getting barfed on a transatlantic flight in 2009.
Actually I’ve been puked on twice while traveling, both times because of parental negligence. This time I was minding my own business in a window seat while the mom next to me bottle-fed her baby. She then props him up to burp on her right shoulder and guess who gets vomed on? Yours truly.
They say that when its your kid, it’s different and you can put up with all those bodily fluids. Well it wasn’t my kid and I lost it. Big time. Feed your baby in your seat, but go burp him by the bathrooms.
6. No snoring, no drooling
This goes hand in hand with number 1. I’m guessing that most people who snore are aware of it and know they snore. Am I right? So when you are on a plane with a bazillion other people, try not to snore. If that means drinking a coffee, drink a coffee. If that means not reclining your seat, don’t recline your seat.
On my San Fran flight, my seatmate was a massive snorer. Like I could hear him over my headphones with the volume on max. Now that’s just impressive. Even the flight attendants were astonished. As they were serving drinks, one took a look at him, and said out loud, “Sweet Jesus.”
It was a 6 hour flight during the day. Stay awake.
I should probably add in here one of the grossest things that happened to me on a plane, right up there with the baby barf. I was seated next to this little old lady, I mean very nice and sweet, but she kept dozing off, like old ladies do. The thing was that she couldn’t stay upright and would inch by inch lean over until she was basically napping on my shoulder in which I would wiggle around to sort of wake her up.
But the third time she slid on my shoulder, she drooled all over my arm. Like a fucking faucet. Oh my gawd. I was horrified, horrified but I couldn’t say anything because she was so old and sweet and we had chatted while boarding creating a mini-connection. All I could think was thank god I wore long sleeves that day! So I kinda poked her and she propped back up while trying to discreetly wipe her slobber off. Then I basically spent the next hour trying to keep her from falling over on me. It’s kinda like the baby issue, not my grandma, I’m not ok with being drooled on.
If you can’t sleep like a normal person and not bother those around you, you lose your in-flight sleeping privileges. End of story.
7. Bringing smelly food on board
Just like I don’t like smelling people, I also don’t like smelling food. Have you ever been on a flight where people bring on McDonalds? That odor lingers, people. Greasy fast food smell is not something I like having to deal with in an enclosed space for hours, I don’t know about you.
If you’re going to need to eat some hot food, eat it in the terminal please. My only other pet peeve about this is unique to me, in that I am deathly allergic to peanuts. This means the smell makes me want to die a little.
As most aware people have probably noticed, peanuts haven’t been served on planes in the US in years because of allergy peeps like me, except for Southwest, which I can never fly because even if my flight doesn’t serve peanuts, it doesn’t mean the plane is clean from peanut dust from previous flights – imagine having to live like that!
Anyways, it’s a very violent allergy compared with others and it’s the one food that really reeks; I don’t have a dairy, gluten, shellfish allergy, but from what I understand, the smell is not as potent as peanuts. Smelling peanuts in an enclosed space makes me nauseous, dizzy and prone to getting sick and I risk going into anaphylactic shock and DYING, which nobody wants, right?
And yet, people still feel the need to eat peanuts on planes. It makes me feel like a massive douche to either have to ask you to stop or complain to a stewardess, so please do us all a favor and just don’t eat anything with peanuts in the first place on a flight. Or better yet, think about what food you’re going to eat on a plane beforehand.
8. Walking down the aisle and grabbing everyone’s seat
Normally I never sit in aisle seats; I have this weird habit where I like to feel cocooned and snug and can lean my head against the window to nap on flights. However, somehow in spite of my talent for fighting for the perfect window seat, I ended up in an aisle seat this summer on one of my long-haul redeye flights, in which my abhorrence for this seat along with passenger in-flight behavior was firmly reaffirmed.
For some reason, certain passengers on flights feel the need to touch the headrest of every aisle seat on their way to and from the toilet; I lost count at 25 on this flight alone. It’s safe to say I got zero sleep on that flight thanks to people lurking in the aisles and playing headrest war.
IT’S NOT A GAME PEOPLE! You can keep your hands to yourself. If you can walk down normal hallways without grabbing the wall, I’m guessing you can also walk down the aisle of the plane without annoying every passenger in seat C, D, G or H.
9. Seat reclining do’s and don’ts
On long-haul flights, you’re gonna definitely want to recline your seats. I’m a premature grandma and have a bad back, so if I sit too long straight up without changing positions, it really starts to bother me. But with most people who have common sense, you easily realize how and when do recline your seats.
Personally, I never recline my seat on short flights; I can deal. I also do not recline my seat until after the first meal is served and I usually warn people behind me. Do you know what happens when you recline or upright your seat when someone has their tray table down behind you? Shit goes flying. FLYING.
Don’t even get me started if I have my laptop out. If you break my laptop screen or even come CLOSE to breaking my laptop screen, shit.will.hit.the.fan.
To the lovely man who reclined his seat 100% on my 13 hour flight to Auckland before the seatbelt sign even came on, you’re dead to me; though thanks for inspiring this article. Snoozing through the meal and the numerous announcements asking passengers to put their seats up for supper, the flight attendant asked me if I wanted her to wake him up when she was serving dinner. Ok, of course I want you to wake him up – I can’t even put anything on my tray with his seat down, but can you not put it on me so I feel like a dick for not being more accommodating in front of my row peeps? Thanks.
Also, I take it to the next level and always look behind me and occasionally ask the person behind me if they’re cool with me reclining. Oh you’re six feet tall? I’ll just go ahead and keep my seat up.
Just a few simple, polite words make all the difference. Just like relationships, flight communication is key.
10. You tell me
What’s the most annoying thing people do on planes? Have any horror stories? What’s the most obnoxious thing you’ve witnessed on a plane? Do you have any in-flight pet peeves?
About the author
I hate when person in front of me recline their seat because I never do that. I don’t know it’s just bother me so much…
kick their seat, make them as miserable as they make you, sneeze and cough on their head and neck, when they complain, tell them to unrecline their seat, they usually say now out of spite, keep on coughing and sneezing, kick their seat, don’t let them sleep.
Seats recline for a reason. If they want to recline it who are you to decide they can’t?
It’s also rich to complain about other people’s food then say that you can’t have peanuts on a plane.
Walking down the aisle sometimes requires touching seats to keep balance. The plane is moving and we’re not all circus performers.
If you have specific nutritional requirements then bring your own food vegans.
If you’re deathly allergic to peanuts stay indoors and write a letter to your local political party to do something about the GMO that created the allergy in the first place.
Please stay off my flight, creeper…
Ah, so you’re one of those inconsiderate, annoying people on the plane who won’t switch seats with a separated family.
As a person who flies all over the world at least once or twice a year with small children, consider this: those families do plan ahead!
I always reserve seats, only to discover that the airline has switched all of our seats around once we check in. Seat reservations are, unfortunately, not guaranteed.
It happens to us every time that all four of us are seated in different rows. If I were to accept that, I’d have a 2 year old seated all by himself next to complete strangers, which is obviously insane.
That’s not the family’s fault, but the airline’s.
So, please, just be a decent human being and have some compassion. If someone would like to switch seats so they can sit next to their children, help them out.
Just, don’t be a dick. It’s that simple.
Well…it’s easy to see where your children will be getting their manners. Why should this young women have to give up her seat. Regardless, of anything. She pays her fare. She chooses to travel alone. You, mom, show a lack of regard for someone else. You must be one of those miserable whiney people born around 1980?
Dumb bitch Cece you think you deserve anything in life , why dont you crash
Well, I’d tell my toddler that this !@#!! is why mommy cant sit next to you, be a bad boy and you’ll get ice cream later. Bitch. Flying is scary for adults, imagine for children. You’re the spoiled brat here.
Ok ppl traveling with children who feel that they should get special consideration from other passengers need to understand that it’s nothing personal against your situation. It’s something that you need to anticipate is going to happen. I have flown with 5 kids on more than 300 trips and guess what we were never able to sit together. Never once have our kids ran up and down the aisles, kicked the back of chairs or behaved wildly. Inner ear issues have cause some crying when they were babies until we found benedryl helps solve that issue. All of the kids are grown now and we travel with them and the grandchildren. We are often in 25 to 32 seats(for family events). Now what if I said I want my entire family to be seated together…would that be fair to others?
Some of you will say that my example is not the same, but for me I Love our big family and enjoy every moment with them. All I’m saying it that not everyone likes kids, pets, conversation or you situation. So don’t take it personal, just try have a plan B when plan A changes.
The sick people who cough, sneeze and blow there nose in there hand and touch things need to be given a face mask and hand sanitizer. It makes no sense at all how ppl travel ill and get others sick.
People with B.O. don’t always know because they always smell like that and can’t tell the difference. Take a Vicks inhalers or the rub and place it around the rim of your nose…that should help block those smells.
Big, tall, fat or small…it can be challenge for the passenger who is crammed in no matter the reason. No body wakes up and says “I can’t wait to sit next to a person and be uncomfortable”. Really me what should we have done about our twin boys who have been 6`7 since there were 15? We did our best to get aisles seats for them. People would be irritated when they sat in window or middle seats because they d constantly have to get up.
I found the article to humorous even the fat subject. I am tall and heavy and don’t plan on ever losing weight. Fortunately I can fly first class, but when that is not an option I always ask the gate agent to check if there is row with a free middle seat. Yes I’m a fatty pants, and ppl just have to deal with it or ask to be moved. It’s life deal with yours not mines.
The Benadryl is probably why they don’t run or kick.
Sorry, but you and your family are not special. It’s not going to kill you to sit apart for a couple hours, so stop being such an entitled little bitch.
KJ you should get flat faced punched in the fucking throat. I hope you say that shit when somone who gives a fuck is on the same flight as yours, I would like to see you not switch seats with a 2 year old. are you just the stupidest person on this earth
i pay 30 to 50 dollars extra for my seat, i usually select the emergency exit widow seat or the window seat in front row on the plane, i have been asked to switch, usually by an entitled woman, i once refused for a pregnant woman, she was coach middle seat, i was in the almost first class with more legroom, window seat, she was one row behind me, when i refused, she threatened to puke on me, i laughed in her face and told her that if she puked on my back that i would turn around and puke my donair meal all over her, that shut her up, as for throat punching me, please try, you may not like what comes next, i don’t take sh!t from anyone, and i can defend myself, rather brutally. when i am not first class, i have gladly traded my seat, but not for a lesser seat.
You are a total idiot you want to have a 2year old fly by themselves awesome idea. Whats next want that 2year old to be alone for the rest of the vacation. I agree if there isnt a valid reason i wont change seats either but like the last time that i did do it because the person had stomach problems and needed the aisle seat in case they needed to get to the bathroom quickly i said Fine there are always exceptions to the rules and things are not always black and white
How about not calling people names who wish to keep the seat they picked out, it’s presumptuous and rude. If you’re not offering a better choice of seat don’t get pissy when I won’t give up my second row aisle seat for your row twenty middle seat. I am not responsible for the airlines switching your seats around and not desiring to accommodate you doesn’t make me a dick.
You’re right. And it doesn’t make me a dick if I leave my small child screaming next to you alone for the duration of the flight. Enjoy! 🙂
I feel sorry for your child for having such a horrible parent.
one look from me can be very unnerving, i would not have to touch or say a word to your child, do you really want a screaming kid alone next to someone like me, my laptop with a graphic horror movie playing in clear view of your child may make you rethink your stance of having your child crying alone next to me for revenge, i am not the one that will have to deal with the upcoming fear, trauma and nightmare, yes i am an assh0le, but you are a total b!tch, i am smart and cruel.
If I want a certain seat and I book that certain seat, I am not a ‘dick’ for refusing to switch. You say the airlines are to blame, well, take it up with them.’ Entitlement, the biggest problem in the world today.
Yeah, childless people who think they’re entitled to go out in public and never see kids and families remind me that entitlement is definitely a major problem in the world.
No one told you to get pregnant lady, quit trying to make the world pay for your mistake I’m sure the guy who got you that way wanted a blowie that night anyway
Your kids are not anyone else’s problem but their own so if you leave them out of control and screaming you probably shouldn’t have had them and should consider giving them up for adoption to people who actually know how to raise children as functioning adults.
I agree, my family has many kids and when we fly anywhere even if we book it 8 months or a year before and are in sets next to another, one person is always put somewhere far away and it is so rude that you cannot switch set. How do you expect the parents to control their kids if you cannot even let the kids sit by the parents? I hope that when you do fly with your kids one day you are in this situation and realized how stupid you are being.
F you and the white horse you rode in on..
1. Your kids are Your problem, not mine, you should have thought of that before you had them..
2. There is not an airline on this planet that wouldn’t let you take a later flight to accommodate you and your kids, the problem is you think your “entitled”
3. I paid $1700-2300 for my window seat and extra to specifically reserve it, 6 months ahead of time, and I’ll be damned if I give it up!
4. Maybe you should park your fat child-neglecting ass with the stranger instead of panning your kid off on some poor unsuspecting victim of your’s…
The problem Mr. “A Person” is that while in your particular case you have a completely valid point, there should be no doubt in your mind, if you’re not afraid to concede to the validity of a point that essentially works against you, that you sir are the exception, not the rule. If we can agree on that, then we can agree that exceptions generally will have to suffer the indignity of being lumped in with the others, who are asking to switch NOT because they’re in the same situation as you, but because they don’t live their lives in recognition of the fact that we’re living in a society… in other words, because of poor planning. This is because we’re not clairvoyant, so society has no way of knowing that in YOUR case at least, you’ve “earned the right” to ask. Since they can’t know that, they have to go with the odds, and it’s the odds that work totally against you. You can’t realistically blame people for disapproving of your behavior if 90% of the time they’re correct in their opinion. Maybe get some T-shirts made that say “Yes I Booked Well Ahead and STILL Got Shafted” and always wear one when you fly?
I hate flying and will do absolutely everything in my power to drive verses fly, even if it means driving across country.
I absolutely love flying itself. The views,, the take off, the landing, It’s all great!…..except all those annoying other people.
The first real fucking stupid thing that takes place when loading people on a plane is lack of planning.
First of all, when loading passengers,they should be loaded starting with assigned seats in the back and move forward until all is done.
With each row filling from the window to the row.
This would eliminate the mess of boarding as well as unboarding!
Unboarding should start at the front, in order,from aisle seat to window and gradually move those out those from the back, yes, I think the flight attendants can easily call names and seat them.
names of passengers can be called out by name in order with each group filing them in very nicely prior to even boarding.
and,Wish to god they would do it.
The current absolute disorganized mess could be a much better experience indeed.
The airports are a hassle, i do not see a reason to be 2 hours ahead of your departure time.
packing is a hassle and the majority of people just don’t follow the instructions on airplanes due to their undying selfishness, therefore making flying even more a pain in the ass for everyone than it already is.
There is ALWAYS a child screaming at the top of thier lungs, probably due to ear pain because of the air change on a plane.
I always feel tightly packed in with a bunch of rats.
I try to make it a major point that I sit next to the window, never bring an overhead if i can help it, and never have to crawl over someone to go use the restroom.
I bring everything I need so I don’t have to ask anyone for anything, and if I do forget something,I’ve got a little cash on hand to go get it, after I’m finished being stuck on a plane.
I always get virally ill after a flight.
I absolutely detest stupid converstaions. Here’s one:
I can’t think of anything less interesting than someone else’s family stuff.
I am not interested in how many children they have given birth to or loined, (like its a miracle or something)
or the ages of people’s children, or thier learning to walk , talk or use the potty.
I dont want to hear about sick uncle whoever in his 70s, or that someone ir going to have triplets after taking fertility drugs, or how thier Birth went, blah blahhh blah.
If I am interested, ill ask….but why would I be interested in asking about the daily boring shit that happens in every normal humans life time?
It’s boring, and I DETEST it….. Why on earth would anyone expect a stanger to be interested in mundane things like this??
I’d much rather read an educational book and talk to no one ….in silence, but, you will never get that on an airplane!
Don’t get me wrong here, I like listening to people, I like conversing with people, but, only if its interesting,and everyday life is far from interesting to me.
So to this day, I absolutely would rather get behind the wheel and drive.
Cost is comparable, I can stop whenever I want, eat pretty much whatever I want, anytime I want. I can listen to the music I want, as loud as I want wherever I want.
No screaming children that aren’t mine, no being packed into little seats with old ugly pervs, no stupid conversations, no being stuck anywhere with anyone annoying.
And I can pack whatever the hell I want to, granted, it fits in the car.
Here’s to driving verses flying!
Give it to me anyday.
Really?? What a bunch of whiners.. I know flying sometimes isn’t the most fun thing you can do, but wow, you guys have taken complaining to the next level. Is life that bad that you complain when somebody eats food next to you? I had a whole bunch of kids eat McDonald’s on a 6 hour bus ride the other day and I thought of you bunch of complainers and thought how angry you would be. Bahahahaa.
While my previous comment might have been pretty callous, I am disappointed in this post Young Adventuress, because it inspires and glorifies intolerance and hatred of other people, as demonstrated in Pete’s rant. Our outer world reflects our inner world and I’m saddened to think what is going on in your world. Maybe that’s why you get so much hate mail? You use the word hate a lot, which inspires a visceral reaction from others in the same way. I think it’s a shame. Why so much hate? Everyone is flawed, possibly even the ones complaining about others “selfish” behaviour! Try some positivity and tolerance, I’m sure you’ll get less hate mail and less babies spewing on you.
Please read the rest of my blog and reevaluate your comment. Thanks.
Hey Liz,
Fair enough. I wasn’t hating on you or your blog in general. I was just commenting on this specific post.
I appreciate your attitude Scott because I think you really will read the rest of her blog. I agree that commenters have been rude, but Liz is spot on. This is a relationship. I would be embarrassed if I inconvenienced people around me because that is just how polite people act. Liz is writing from an ‘inner’ perspective, but I doubt she would ever tell someone she hated them. Every one of Liz’s 9 points are valid and a little common courtesy would address them.
Liz ….you rock…they suck.
While I agree with some of her thoughts, I think it is harsh to tell snorers to not snore. If they could stop snoring through their own control, there would be no snorers. The peanut smell I am taking as being light hearted as I cannot believe that a peanut could still have a smell in a tin can with over a hundred other smells. My attitude is that planes are like other spaces shared on this earth. Take the good with the bad and make the best of it. The good; someone else does the flying while I sleep/ read. The bad; turbulence on the way to the toilet and I have to grab the headrest of a girl who has been puked on twice and who hates peanuts!