I’m just going to go ahead and make a bold statement. I hate planes. I fucking hate them.
I hate airports. I hate people who work in airports (TSA agents I’m looking at you). I hate the hassle of airports. Why we just can’t apparate from point A to B by now is beyond me.
This probably comes from the fact that I spend so much of my time on planes nowadays. In fact, I’m sure that’s why. I’m also a severe introvert so more than 4 people in a confined space tend to stress me out. Lock me in a tiny moving tin tube for more than an hour with hundreds of other breathers, and I start to have anxiety attacks.
Sounds like I picked the wrong profession, right?
Granted, I have had many flights go by without a hitch, which makes the bad ones hell in comparison. Combined with the fact that I have a special talent for finding myself in really uncomfortable situations makes me really NOT look forward to long travel days.
It’s been a while since I ranted on here but I needed to do something while traveling for days on end over the past week. After years of reflection, I’ve realized it all boils down to two things: respect and awareness. If only people were more aware of all the people around them on flights AND respected them, 99% of flights would take off without general grumpiness.
Of course there is always someone misbehaving. Always.
Here are my 10 things I wish people would really stop doing on airplanes:
1. Smelling like, well, anything
As a general rule, you should probably shower sometime close to take-off. And if showering is impossible, bring a change of clothes and deodorant in your carry-on. Please. Can I even begin to count the number of times I’ve been on a flight in close proximity to someone who reeked? I don’t get it, how can you not be aware that you smell like a high school locker room? If I don’t shower, I am painfully aware of it, and I would never consider subjecting someone next to me on a flight to that.
Then of course the opposite happened while I was waiting at Dulles Airport last week to catch my flight to San Francisco. Across the aisle in the waiting area before boarding, as I was sipping my coffee I watched in horror as a woman took out a bottle of some kind of hippy essential oil and proceed to douse herself in it. I could literally feel my eyes prickling from 15 feet away. It was like she was anointing herself in holy communion or something.
As far as I’m concerned, everyone should smell neutral on a plane. Good or bad, I don’t want to smell you at all.
2. Asking to switch seats
Ok, I’m anal – I like a window seat. I go to great lengths to make sure I have my seat planned, prepped and reserved in advance before I even journey to an airport. Sometimes I even have to pay for it.
Have you ever been on a flight where people are boarding and there’s a family that doesn’t have seats together and they go around asking people to switch seats? It’s happened to me several times, and I feel like a bitch but I always say no. I picked my seat, dammit, and I am not giving it up because someone is too lazy to plan in advance.
Have they heard of the internet? Do they have phones? It’s not that hard to get in contact with an airline in advance and rearrange seats or even when you are checking in, but why wait til you are on the plane to ask is beyond me. The only airline I’ve ever had problems with about seat selection is American Airlines, but that’s a story for a different day.
3. Overhead bin violations
Flights are almost always full nowadays, which means the overhead bins can be a hot commodity. If you are traveling with a big backpack or rolling suitcase, you have to use the bin. However, I’ve got little legs, and I always stow my canvas tote and camera satchel under the seat in front of me, except for when I take my backpacking backpack on board. And while I settle in my seat, I watch people over and over again stuff tiny purses, shopping bags, coats and other small foldable crap in the empty overhead bins while the plane still boards.
You see my backpack? It can’t fit under the seat, do you mind if I move your feather down jacket and duty-free booze bags so I can put it in the overhead bin?
I always feel like a dick when I have to move people’s stuff around or ask them to move it if I need to stow a bigger bag up there. Use some common sense and don’t be an idiot. Wait until the plane has boarded THEN put your smaller shit away if you need to.
The lack of common sense in people continues to astonish me.
4. Using the headrest in front of you to stand up
This drives me bananas. It takes a lot for me to fall asleep on a plane, especially when I forget to bring my Ambien with me. It makes me want to scream if I’ve finally fallen asleep only to be physically jerked away when the person behind me grabs my seat to sit up.
This is something that also baffles me. Why can’t people stand up putting their hands on the arm rests, the wall, or heaven forbid their own seat?
In-flight behavior 101 – never touch the seat in front of you unless it’s an emergency. And for some reason if you do need to, apologize or give some heads up first.
5. Not patrolling your kids
Another hot topic in the travel world – traveling with kids. Normally I’ve got no problem with kids on planes, I don’t even mind babies. Kids are kids, babies cry, I get all that, no problem.
My beef starts when parents don’t control their offspring on planes. That drives me nuts. Whether these feral kids are kicking my seat like a soccer ball, running up and down the aisles, or screaming while the parents just sit there, that’s when I get pissy. No one invades my personal space cave on a flight. NO ONE.
This is why I’ve reverted to the Oatmeal school of thought where I believe airplanes should be laid on with special kennels in the back for children. Sigh, one day.
I’m not a mom yet; I’ve made the decision I’m not ready to deal with all the baby stuff yet, which means I don’t want to deal with your parent issues either. I’ve had a kid spill a drink on me because mommy was too busy watching the movie in her aisle seat once, but the absolute worst was getting barfed on a transatlantic flight in 2009.
Actually I’ve been puked on twice while traveling, both times because of parental negligence. This time I was minding my own business in a window seat while the mom next to me bottle-fed her baby. She then props him up to burp on her right shoulder and guess who gets vomed on? Yours truly.
They say that when its your kid, it’s different and you can put up with all those bodily fluids. Well it wasn’t my kid and I lost it. Big time. Feed your baby in your seat, but go burp him by the bathrooms.
6. No snoring, no drooling
This goes hand in hand with number 1. I’m guessing that most people who snore are aware of it and know they snore. Am I right? So when you are on a plane with a bazillion other people, try not to snore. If that means drinking a coffee, drink a coffee. If that means not reclining your seat, don’t recline your seat.
On my San Fran flight, my seatmate was a massive snorer. Like I could hear him over my headphones with the volume on max. Now that’s just impressive. Even the flight attendants were astonished. As they were serving drinks, one took a look at him, and said out loud, “Sweet Jesus.”
It was a 6 hour flight during the day. Stay awake.
I should probably add in here one of the grossest things that happened to me on a plane, right up there with the baby barf. I was seated next to this little old lady, I mean very nice and sweet, but she kept dozing off, like old ladies do. The thing was that she couldn’t stay upright and would inch by inch lean over until she was basically napping on my shoulder in which I would wiggle around to sort of wake her up.
But the third time she slid on my shoulder, she drooled all over my arm. Like a fucking faucet. Oh my gawd. I was horrified, horrified but I couldn’t say anything because she was so old and sweet and we had chatted while boarding creating a mini-connection. All I could think was thank god I wore long sleeves that day! So I kinda poked her and she propped back up while trying to discreetly wipe her slobber off. Then I basically spent the next hour trying to keep her from falling over on me. It’s kinda like the baby issue, not my grandma, I’m not ok with being drooled on.
If you can’t sleep like a normal person and not bother those around you, you lose your in-flight sleeping privileges. End of story.
7. Bringing smelly food on board
Just like I don’t like smelling people, I also don’t like smelling food. Have you ever been on a flight where people bring on McDonalds? That odor lingers, people. Greasy fast food smell is not something I like having to deal with in an enclosed space for hours, I don’t know about you.
If you’re going to need to eat some hot food, eat it in the terminal please. My only other pet peeve about this is unique to me, in that I am deathly allergic to peanuts. This means the smell makes me want to die a little.
As most aware people have probably noticed, peanuts haven’t been served on planes in the US in years because of allergy peeps like me, except for Southwest, which I can never fly because even if my flight doesn’t serve peanuts, it doesn’t mean the plane is clean from peanut dust from previous flights – imagine having to live like that!
Anyways, it’s a very violent allergy compared with others and it’s the one food that really reeks; I don’t have a dairy, gluten, shellfish allergy, but from what I understand, the smell is not as potent as peanuts. Smelling peanuts in an enclosed space makes me nauseous, dizzy and prone to getting sick and I risk going into anaphylactic shock and DYING, which nobody wants, right?
And yet, people still feel the need to eat peanuts on planes. It makes me feel like a massive douche to either have to ask you to stop or complain to a stewardess, so please do us all a favor and just don’t eat anything with peanuts in the first place on a flight. Or better yet, think about what food you’re going to eat on a plane beforehand.
8. Walking down the aisle and grabbing everyone’s seat
Normally I never sit in aisle seats; I have this weird habit where I like to feel cocooned and snug and can lean my head against the window to nap on flights. However, somehow in spite of my talent for fighting for the perfect window seat, I ended up in an aisle seat this summer on one of my long-haul redeye flights, in which my abhorrence for this seat along with passenger in-flight behavior was firmly reaffirmed.
For some reason, certain passengers on flights feel the need to touch the headrest of every aisle seat on their way to and from the toilet; I lost count at 25 on this flight alone. It’s safe to say I got zero sleep on that flight thanks to people lurking in the aisles and playing headrest war.
IT’S NOT A GAME PEOPLE! You can keep your hands to yourself. If you can walk down normal hallways without grabbing the wall, I’m guessing you can also walk down the aisle of the plane without annoying every passenger in seat C, D, G or H.
9. Seat reclining do’s and don’ts
On long-haul flights, you’re gonna definitely want to recline your seats. I’m a premature grandma and have a bad back, so if I sit too long straight up without changing positions, it really starts to bother me. But with most people who have common sense, you easily realize how and when do recline your seats.
Personally, I never recline my seat on short flights; I can deal. I also do not recline my seat until after the first meal is served and I usually warn people behind me. Do you know what happens when you recline or upright your seat when someone has their tray table down behind you? Shit goes flying. FLYING.
Don’t even get me started if I have my laptop out. If you break my laptop screen or even come CLOSE to breaking my laptop screen, shit.will.hit.the.fan.
To the lovely man who reclined his seat 100% on my 13 hour flight to Auckland before the seatbelt sign even came on, you’re dead to me; though thanks for inspiring this article. Snoozing through the meal and the numerous announcements asking passengers to put their seats up for supper, the flight attendant asked me if I wanted her to wake him up when she was serving dinner. Ok, of course I want you to wake him up – I can’t even put anything on my tray with his seat down, but can you not put it on me so I feel like a dick for not being more accommodating in front of my row peeps? Thanks.
Also, I take it to the next level and always look behind me and occasionally ask the person behind me if they’re cool with me reclining. Oh you’re six feet tall? I’ll just go ahead and keep my seat up.
Just a few simple, polite words make all the difference. Just like relationships, flight communication is key.
10. You tell me
What’s the most annoying thing people do on planes? Have any horror stories? What’s the most obnoxious thing you’ve witnessed on a plane? Do you have any in-flight pet peeves?
About the author
Love the article.
Fuck the people that are calling you a princess. I fly once a week and have suffered over and over again with these fucktards. In fact, I am on a plane right now. I purposely turned my laptop on and typed “why do fat people always eat on planes” hoping the fat fuck with the sandwich next to me would see it and be shamed. That’s when I found your article.
1. People have no manners. They simply don’t
2. I have seen over and over again, someone sit their fat ass down into a seat clutching a McDonalds bag. The second that their fat ass hits the seat, they open that god damn bag and start eating. Never mind that they have been clutching this bag for two hours, NEVERMIND THAT THEIR IS NO FUCKING MCDONALDS EVEN IN THAT AIRPORT. But they devour it like a refugee that hasn’t eaten in weeks, even before they have to ask for the seat belt extender.
Then there is This very moment. Im on southwest with no assigned seats, the flight is 1/4 full. And yet these fat rude fucks, insisted on sitting next to me 3 across. There are like 12 fully open rows, but they thought it would be more fun to be rude and smash the skinny guy against the window.
Fuck these people. Lets charge them by the pound to fly. !!!!!!!
Oh… and another thing… LEAVE YOUR GOD DAMN SHOES ON!!!!!!!
what the hell is wrong with people?
Why didn’t you just get up and sit somewhere else? Problem solved. You get enjoyment by shaming a fat person? Dude, that’s pretty sad and juvenile.
What I said to Brian applies to you.
I agree with Ronnie!
Sounds to me like Pete loves to argue using fowl words, you feel like a man when using bad language??
You sound like a lazy person that wines, please do by all means pick your body up go to another seat! Stop whinning!!
Wow, this is really disgustingly rude. People like you are what makes me just embarrased and ashamed of the intolerence in our ever worsening society. Not only are your comments just plain ugly, the fact that you needed to take the time to type them and spew it into the world is saddening. “People have no manners” – interesting and a bit hypocritical, don’t you think?
Actually our ever worstening society is down to people like you.
You want it to get to a stage where you can’t say anything or aren’t allowed to give an opinion anymore in case it upsets someone, yet you seem to feel it’s ok for you to have the opinion that no one can have opinions, and the likes of you get together in big groups and shove that shit down peoples throats, you are even making laws about the shit, it’s getting to a stage where any description of a person may be an offensive hate crime “The tall man” “The fat man” “The rich man” “The poor man” “The ugly man” Well fuck off cos this isn’t Orwells 1984 yet, but it’s people like you who will create the newspeak.
If someone is fat, it’s cause they eat too much and don’t exercise, irrefutable proof in Katie Hopkins my fat story, although some fattys even tried refuting the irrefutable, if they spent less time eating and making up excuses for being fat, they’d be thin. If you don’t like that, or it’s offensive, well hey ho cos that fuckin guy doesn’t likefat arses sat next to him on the plane, but you and your friend think he should just move away quietly, take your own advice.
While I am sorry you feel that way, I am not sorry that I put having respect and decency to people as a priority to me. I am really saddened that you think my belief in kindness regardless of what a person looks like is the reason for our ever worsening society. It is none of my business if someone doesn’t exercise. It IS my business to be polite to them.
Also, Liz, I’m sorry that this happened on this post. I love reading your blog though 🙂
Thanks, I give up on the comments on this post haha
Amen to that, Matt. To be honest, I’m a pretty horrible person on airplanes, and this article helped me to realize that I’m a serious douche for doing stuff like eating smelly food and touching headrests on my way to the toilet (I usually fall if I don’t though – I’m really clumsy). And that wasn’t me being sarcastic at all… I really do mean it – I’m a douche on planes, and I’m working on being better…
Flying…
It looked that you didn’t have a good Christmas . Even if I’m reading this in July and not indecember
I agree with you on all but #3.
I agree – people pack WAY TOO MUCH on flights. Everyone has a giant roll-on suitcase and bin space always seems to run out.
On the other hand, I am a light packer, and I go through a lot of effort to pack efficiently. I usually only have a small backpack with me on flights.
I have long legs, and so if I put a backpack under the seat in front of me, my feet will be squashed.
Why should I be penalized and not allowed to use the overhead bin space, just because I packed efficiently and was able to fit all my stuff into one small backpack? By that logic, it would be more beneficial for me to NOT pack efficiently, and instead bring a large carry-on suitcase that I would HAVE to put in the overhead bin, thus clearing up the foot-space in front of me.
One time a flight attendant forced me to put my backpack under the seat in front of me in order to make room for some guy who had 2 giant carry-on suitcases. Basically I was seething with anger for the duration of that flight.
Fat fucks need to buy 2 seats. A hole people who lean the seat back need to be coughed on..do it to them.retards that grab every head rest while walking down the aisle need to be spit on. Scum turd heads.
Great place for sticky candy
Ypur whole argument is pathetic get a life bitch
You really don’t like fat people do ya?
Not a frequent flyer and could never be. Why do people insist on getting out of their seats early to hurriedly retrieve their overhead luggage out of the bins? There has got to be an SLN skit of this. There is no place to go. They just stand there like do dos. Why can’t they simply wait for the seat belt sign and for people to start to disembark. I hate having someone standing in the aisle next to my seat with their huge backpack hitting me in the head just so they can hurry up and wait some more. Morons. I scrutinized the passengers’ behavior and made a mental note of who I would avoid if there were to be an emergency. I surmised who would be the “selfish” ones and grab their luggage before going down the emergency chute. I want to hitch my wagon to someone that is fit, courteous, and knows the rules. The loud talkers, cell phone and otherwise, are unbelievable too.
Because idiot, some of us have connecting flights that leave in 45 min and we don’t have time for fat asses and tards clogging up the aisle.. fuck, you knew the plane would land 30 min ago, so why do you wait for 10 min after it lands to move.. how self-fucking centered.
I agree with you and do the same thing most times, though one has to understand that occasionally people do have good reasons to disembark quickly. As the not-so-polite Jack pointed out, they could have connnecting flights that they are worried about, or it could be for something else. A couple of years ago, I received a call that my mother was dying and only had a day or so left to live. I had to fly halfway across the world to her deathbed, so was very anxious not to lose a single minute when I finally arrived. It’s one of the few times when I have barged ahead of everyone else when the plane landed.
I am soooo tired of being squashed by obese people. Why should I have to pay more money if my case is one pound overweight, yet obese people are not required to pay for two seats?
It is becoming a serious problem. Airlines are going to have to address it eventually.
Seats that are called even more space for even more money, doesn’t mean u will fit if you really do need two seats……..
The paying customer that only requires one seat deserves to have an enjoyable flight experience just like the person that requires two seats. And they would enjoy their flight better too if the did feel like the people around them are not nice……..
when they seat first and raise the arm to sit in your seat, it really gets fun when the attendant tells them to put it down and they can’t. I do not sit…… Great fun! I am on the way to 1st class!
I suggest that you either suck it up or take a fucken private jet.
Meh, what can you do? People are annoying.. I travel a lot (been away for 11 months atm) but I try to just let it wash over me. I actually like flying now, strangely enough. Because I can’t do, I think.. Now I use the time jammed into a tiny seat to think about my life and what I’m doing right and what I’m doing wrong and what I want.. So many times I’ve come off the plane with a revelation of some sort. Oh and the prospect of what I’ll see and do once I get off the plane is exciting too!
I always expect to get no sleep and have my knees up around my ears, and I’m pleasantly surprised when that doesn’t happen. However I haven’t been thrown up on! Urghh.
I hope your flights get better!
Liz, Most of the problems that you have are created by the airlines themselves. Seats used to be separated enough so that you could recline your seat and not affect in the negative the folks behind you. No more. The flying public is treated like sardines, the more you can get in the can, the better for PROFITS.
I’m 6’5″. with the small space between seats, my knees are against the seat in front of me on almost all liners (An airbus IS really a BUS!) My size 16 feet must move forward the junk that people put under THEIR seat, as if one cannot have big feet.
And deplaning! All the folks in the aisle seats should retrieve their luggage and go! Get out of the way! LEAVE THE PLANE! Then the folks in the middle seats can get their stuff and go, and finally the folks in the window seats can move over to the aisle, get their luggage and go.
People are so RUDE! If someone has their luggage in their hands, let them go until the aisle is cleared, them get up and get your stuff. I just makes sense, and is the proper way to practice exiting the plane in an emergency. (minus the luggage) In the Miracle on the Hudson folks in the back had to crawl over the seats to get around the folks blocking the aisle. INSANE!!!
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I hate when parents just let there kids loose it just irritates me so much that I just want to stand up and put my fucking middle finger up to everyone