How to NOT to Be a Douche Online

oversharing online

Ok guys, I have a confession: I tend towards having a sassy mouth (i.e. I can be a sarcastic bitch). It’s not one of my more admirable qualities, but hey, nobody’s perfect and I’d say 80% of people find it entertaining. If you fall in the 20% category and do not find the smartass amusing (mom), you might want to stop reading now.

What does this have to do with anything? No idea.

Well, I spend too much goddamn time on the internet (I blame this blog). That’s where this all begins. And because I spend so much time wasting away my youth on the computer, I notice a lot of interesting behavior online. Alarming behavior. People act in very interesting ways on the internet. Someone should do a study on it.

Now one thing I have noticed online a lot are people who act like complete douches! Can someone explain this phenomenon to me? Actually, I have my own theory. Online, you are not face to face with people, so you can ignore or not notice people’s reactions to your behavior easily, or more likely, people just ignore you which allows for your d-bag side to run wild and free. Whereas if you are with people personally, they will most likely tell you you’re being a douche, or they make that WTF face at you that says “hey, tone it the hell down or you’re gonna lose some friends real fast.” Am I onto something?

If you didn’t think I was batshit crazy before, you do now.

I guess over the past few weeks, I have been seeing some things online over and over again that irk the pants off me (new expression) which led to a full on rant post. So over the years of my scientific observation of the human behavior on the interwebs, I have broken down this d-bag behavior into 5 subcategories and consequently compiled a list of how to avoid such annoying tendencies. Feel free to share and chime in.

Here are my 5 key tips of how not to be a douche online:

oversharing online

1. Stop publicizing the sh*t out of your relationship online

Congratulations, you are in a relationship! If the simple fact of finding true love is not enough, you have to share every minute of it with the rest of the world. Understandably you’re happy, and sharing what makes you happy online is fine in small doses, but when I open up my newsfeed and all I see are “I miss you more” status updates along with making out pictures, it makes me want to bang my head against the wall and weep for humanity. Don’t you have anything else going on in your life? You are not in high school anymore (though I am depressingly single as I write this, I felt the same way during ALL my past relationships).

oversharing online

Cough, cough TAYLOR SWIFT. Guilty!

Think about it this way, if you are hanging out with people face-to-face, would the only thing you talk about is your boyfriend? You wouldn’t have very many friends, and trust me, the rest of us are wondering what’s really behind all the fake smoochy attention-seeking crap. Do you need double-digit likes and several comments before you feel that your relationship is validated? Now grow up, stop acting like a middle-schooler and quit making a fool of yourself online. You’ll thank me after your break-up.

2. Start posting interesting stuff on Instagram

Photos of your feet, your average meal or girls making kissy faces: you know who you are, don’t even try to deny it. 3/4’s of your Instagram stream are of the same pictures over, and over, and over again, maybe with a sunset photo thrown in for good measure (I’m a total hypocrite here). Is originality dead, people? Have you seen this parody? I spend 9 hours a day staring at a cubicle wall and I still manage to take photos with variety. Ok I repost old photos sometimes, but still, A for effort. But when I open Instagram and all I see are pictures of your damn noodle soup cropped with a lo-fi filter, I just want to roll my eyes and laugh. At least buy alphabet soup and spell your name out if you are going to have the creative range of a toddler.

oversharing online

Same goes for you (girls) who take a photo standing up, looking down at your legs and feet; man, that really wows me. “Your knees look exceptionally fine in those dark rinse skinny jeans, and where did you buy those furry boots?!” said no one ever. But the worst offenders are the poser selfie shots. You know what I’m talking about, ladies; chin down, head angled jauntily to the side, bug eyes looking up at your camera phone or mirror, no smile, or gasp, the duck face. Girls, I totally understand your need for approval, I’ve been there. We all have our bad days, and nothing makes you feel good fast like a “you look so pretty” comment on the interwebs. Just keep it to a minimum or you run the risk of appearing like a desperate biddie.

oversharing online

It’s a scientific fact that if you make this face and pose your phone camera at this angle, you’ll look attractive. OMG look at my cheekbones and Angelina lips! Not. Just remember that you look equally desperate which cancels out all cute points

oversharing online

Here’s my big secret. Actually two big secrets. When you need some lovin’ online, post a photo of yourself with other people (or even just you) looking really happy. There is nothing more attractive than a happy girl (except maybe a happy girl with big boobs). Otherwise, post a pic of yourself looking all fine with something else in the photo too, like of you traveling somewhere nifty or you holding something up saying hey, look at me AND this thing I’m holding, so it’s not all about me. Works. Like. A. Charm.

oversharing online

Exhibit A: me looking exceptionally happy with a ridiculous grin holding up a guide book. Got over 100 likes on my Instagram page. People love genuine (foolish) smiles

3. Oversharing is not caring

Is it just me or are people’s absolute worst traits amplified on the internet? Don’t get me wrong, there are a few select individuals from high school I have saved from the annual Facebook purge solely for entertainment purposes. Tell me how your baby daddy done gone and broke your heart with that fat waitress from Buffalo Wild Wings. Go on, tell us how you really feel. There are very few people who can get away with sharing just about everything online, and most likely you’re not one of them. Anyone with half a brain can see through your eager update, take my word for it, so be careful. Whether you are writing a 140 letter tweet about how angsty and depressed you are or sharing a blow-by-blow status of your birthing pains, there are some things we just don’t need to see online. That’s why god invented personal blogs and therapists.

oversharing online

4. Remember now, good spelling and grammar are sexy

What the hell happened to the English language over the past decade? Sometimes I see things on my social media networks that I actually have to read out loud to decipher. Decent spelling and grammar are really not that hard, considering most of us went to school for what, at least 15 years? Laziness online turns me off but since it is so rampant and unavoidable nowadays, that whenever I see someone write and punctuate correctly, I’m shocked.

oversharing online

Source The Oatmeal

Learn the difference between you’re and your, and heaven forbid, “ur.” If I see that there is a 99% chance you’re getting defriended or unfollowed in a matter of seconds, unless you’re Snooki, in which case all grammar mistakes are forgiven on the spot. Gentlemen, improve your vocabulary and improve your chances with the ladies. Use a SAT vocab word on the first date, and you’ll get a second date. Whip out a GRE level word and you’re likely to get a smooch. Use a word I’ve never heard before, and I’m yours forever (or at least for the night).

oversharing online

5. Stop being a hater

Now I know what you’re thinking, pot calling the kettle black much? Yeah, I hear you. Even when I see all of the above-mentioned obnoxious behavior, I almost never call people out on it, with the exception of this post (again, hypocrite here). Though I feel I am allowed to fling all this hate around because I’ve been guilty of doing all these things at one time in my life, and I am actually trying to help people to be less douchy online in the long run. You’re welcome. I’ve only left one hate comment on a blog in my life, and it seems like I’ll never hear the end of it. Nobody likes a hater, and everyone has the right to be abhorrent and annoying on the internet. Just remember there are plenty of people out there like me who have the right to think you’re annoying and abhorrent too.

Actually, that’s false, people love haters as long as they aren’t hating on them. Hate is pretty entertaining, have you seen my best hate comments post? It’s the second most-read article on my blog (what the hell does that say about me?) Though I can never understand why people take the time to troll around and whine about celebrities, blogs, and god knows what else under the sun online (without some higher purpose). What kind of mental state are you in if you take the time to create an entire website dedicated to hating someone? Get a life!

oversharing online

What the f*ck did I just read?

I read a lot of blogs and I am always shocked when I scroll through the comments sections, especially of popular bloggers or articles. And don’t even get me started on the fashion bloggers! People can be so mean online! And the worst offenders are the anonymous commenters. Just because you’re an ugly f*cker behind your computer doesn’t mean you can take out your feelings of self-loathing on everyone else. Step one to not being a certified, straight-up d-bag online is quit hating on other people in public forums, along with spelling things right.

See how clever I was with this? If you leave me a hate comment on this post, as some of you dear anons are sure to do, I’ve already labeled you as a douche. ZING! Go ahead, do your worse, and maybe you might even make my hater hall of fame (copyright pending).

What do people do online that annoys you? Any douchey moments I might have missed? What are your tips for not being a douche online?

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47 Comments on “How to NOT to Be a Douche Online

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  1. First off I love this: “There is nothing more attractive than a happy girl (except maybe a happy girl with big boobs).” I can actually type out “lol” and mean it. I think you are definitely right about the being able to hide on the internet notion. People think that just because it is on the web or that they can be “anonymous” they get to be extra snarky and it is just sad. Internet etiquette is definitely something that many people could stand to improve on. Also, totally with you on the horrible spelling, simple grammar over sights, and dumb lingo. It just makes you look like an absolute moron. If I am feeling particularly passionate on a subject I usually write it out in a Word document which stays offline. There is so much negativity online already and honestly I would hate to publish something I might regret it. Once its online it is there forever!

    1. That’s my biggest fear too! I’ve had this post drafted for almost a month now before I posted it, I was really nervous. I tried to time it down as much as I could but ultimately I wanted it to be a funny read. Hopefully people will respond positively 🙂

  2. Nice list Liz. It’s funny how many people out there get their hate on via comments. Oh and the Instagram thing really gets a head shake out of me as well. If you aren’t telling a story through your photos I probably won’t be following.

    I have 2 things to add about Facebook which annoy me. 1. When people ask for likes. If I like your stuff I will like it organically. As soon as they ask for a “like” an unfollow is debated upon. And that brings me to number 2. Asking stupid questions solely for engagement, reach and impressions. To me that just seems fake. Especially when I don’t see any response or return engagement from the party that made the post. Grrrr.

    Anyway, good post and hopefully some of the guilty might see some of these and tone it down 🙂

    1. Totally agree! I’ve noticed some of the bigger bloggers doing that! Asking “what do you prefer” questions to get people talking in their Facebook page! Totally fake!

  3. The one place I let myself be bitchy online are celebrity gossip websites. (Everywhere else online I am perfectly polite. 😀 ) Or okay, one specific celebrity gossip website which is Celebitchy. It’s right there in the title, the comments are harsh and can be downright cruel. For the posts with comments I don’t agree with, I skip. For the ones I do, I will write an equally bitchy comment but those are few and far in between (usually on the occasional Kim Kardashian post–I can’t help it, she has horrible style and now that she is pregnant she is wearing the most ridiculous outfits!!!) Most of the time I find myself erasing something I’ve meant to post on Celebitchy–but it feels good to write it all out and then delete it before posting. Nobody will see it, but I got all my feelings out there for myself.

    So that’s my outlet for my bitchiness or douchiness-whichever you prefer. We all need one somewhere!

    1. YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I allow myself just ONE to not become an addict, and I looooove Dlisted.com. Michael K is a master of words.

      Anyway, Liz, I literally laughed loud enough to wake my boyfriend from his siesta. He is not thanking you, but I am!

      1. Hahaha, I’m so glad I’m not alone in my celebrity gossip addiction. It used to be really bad in college when I was procrastinating. I used to go on Perez Hilton and the Superficial. Now I limit it to Celebitchy and People.

  4. This is your best sassy post yet!

    I agree with all of the above. I would like to add something to number two. I hate it when people post ten pictures in a row of their kids on instagram. I mean, really? This is NOT a Facebook album or Shutterfly! I dislike it when people write a note on their iphone and then instagram a picture of it. Why?!?!?!?! You wouldn’t take a regular picture of a note!

    Things like facebook and instagram really magnify desperate, attention deprived people. Like you, I usually don’t give them the time of day, but this one time I couldn’t help myself. There was this guy that I went to high school with, that I had as a friend on facebook. He would constantly whine about how his parents were the worst parents in the world (his wording is not appropriate for general audiences, so I censored it). One day, he wrote something so offensive that I had to reply. I mean, who talks crap about their parents on facebook (where they can’t defend themselves) and expects to get sympathy? HE’S 25 YEARS OLD FOR GOODNESS SAKE!! Well you can’t say ANYTHING to people like that because you will not live it down. My comment wasn’t even rude or sarcastic. I just told him it wasn’t cool to be talking about his parents in such a crude way and if he really didn’t like it, he should just move out instead of constantly complaining about it on facebook. I ended up blocking him because he would not stop insulting me on my wall. Ridiculous.

    Sorry for the rant.

    Loved this post. I feel like we get to know you a little better each time you post something sassy.

    1. I totally agree! I’m like, Instagram isn’t a family album! I love that you commented on that! People need a good smack of reality now and then! I’m glad you liked it! I have this drafted for weeks but I was too nervous to post til now 🙂

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