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How many travel and expat bloggers out there have wonderfully successful international relationships that they are more than happy to share with the world? As much as I love reading those stories, from my own years spent in Spain I have learned that dating abroad is not all sunshine and fairytales, and it has been idealized online far too often. From her own experiences, our contributor breaks it down for all of those starry-eyed youngsters hoping to fall in love while abroad.
Have you ever dated, had a fling or fallen in love abroad? Tell us about it! How did it end?
It seems like a dream…you move to a mysterious new land, meet a handsome stranger and fall hopelessly, passionately in love. Soon enough, you’re riding on the back of his Vespa through winding roads to watch the sunset from a spot that only locals know about thinking, is this real life??
That’s exactly what happened to me when I studied abroad in Granada, Spain last spring and, BOY, do I wish I had someone warn me that such a romance isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I wouldn’t trade in my experience for the world, but I want to share some of the darker sides of falling in love abroad that no one talks about.
First, some upsides to international love. I met a fantastic guy, I became fluent in Spanish from constantly conversing with my novio and his friends and family in their language. I learned colloquial terms and sayings I never would have known and got an insiders look into lesser-known spots in the city.
Oh, and I got to fall deeply in love in one of the most romantic cities in the world…I guess that’s pretty cool too.
But, just like any relationship, there are some aspects that are extremely difficult and painful. The difficult parts are often exacerbated in a foreign land as you are introduced to new cultural practices, beliefs and values. A language barrier doesn’t help things. So, I’ve put together a list of things that either hindered my relationship directly or have happened to my friends.
This should serve as a caution to starry-eyed girls who go abroad looking for a fairy tale…like a certain 20 year old I once knew.
1.This isn’t his first time at the rodeo
If you met at a disco/bar where study abroad students tend to flock; Rico Suave came with one thing in mind. Use your head, chica. Each year, thousands of Americans and international students move to these hotspot cities looking for an adventure, and men absolutely take advantage of this. Most women let loose, and rightly so, it’s a time for fun and few obligations. But, unfortunately for many women, this means doing things they normally wouldn’t back home. If a man picks you up in one of these situations, be wary. Oftentimes, the men that frequent these places are just looking for a fling, banking on the fact that a ton of girls are hoping to fall in love. We go in thinking it’s love, a story to tell our grandchildren, while we’re more than likely just going through a revolving door of American girls.
{If he pursues you outside of the nightlife atmosphere, doesn’t try to sleep with you immediately, and especially if he involves you in his life with his family and friends, however, he could very well be an exception}
2. You may not be in love with him
Moving away from home to a foreign land presents a multitude of new experiences that could influence your feelings during this time. When choosing where to move abroad, most women choose charming and romanticized places whether it be Rome, Barcelona, Buenos Aires or New Zealand. With the history, natural beauty and exciting culture, it’s easy to fall in love with the place you’re in and the life you live there. Between the yummy food, flowing drinks and new adventures, your pleasure center is constantly stimulated. Mix in a relationship with all these feelings and emotions and it becomes hard to distinguish how you feel about the person versus how you feel towards life in general at this time. Would you be in love with this guy if you were back in your home town? Would you want him to meet your parents? These are things worth thinking about if you’re interested in more than a fling.
3. You’ll never 100% understand each other
This one pertains solely to relationships where there is a language barrier. You could be as fluent as a non-native can be, but it is nearly impossible to truly understand humor or complicated emotion in a language that is not your mother tongue. Things like dry humor, sarcasm, and goofy jokes are extremely difficult to accurately translate. Combine that with the difficulty of conveying exactly why you’re mad/hurt/upset in a new language, and a lot of important things get lost in translation. This makes for a lot of frustration and, more than likely, many unnecessary fights.
{Upside: with all the passion and excitement surrounding you, makin’ up ain’t haaaalf bad}
4. You’ll miss out on experiences
If you’re only living abroad for a limited amount of time, having a man in your home base can and will distract you in some way. This isn’t some feminist “sister, a man will only hold you back from becoming the woman you should be” speal. It’s a fact. If you’re in love with someone and know your time together is limited by your visa, you will want to spend as much time with him as possible. This means turning down weekend jaunts to Ibiza to stay with him and nixing girls’ nights out of shameless bar-top dancing with your friends for quiet nights with your man. Many people only get the chance to live abroad once, and though you don’t think so in the moment, turning down exciting opportunities could be something you may regret when you look back on your life.
5. There’s an expiration date on your relationship
This has been a theme in each of the previous points. You have a visa, and visas expire. This means one of two things. You have to either accept your romance as nothing more than a fling, or, you have to commit. Commit to making a bi-continental relationship work, commit to a permanent move at some point, or commit to staying together with no plan at all. To know that you’re in love and these things have a way of working out. This is, of course, up to you.
My point is that in order to protect yourself from heartbreak and disappointment, there is a lot to consider before entering into a love affair abroad. My friends like to refer to what I had with my love as “the fairytale,” and, in many ways, it was. When I look back on my time with him in Granada, I remember the most intense feelings I’ve ever experienced in my life; passion, pain, confusion, excitement, desperation and intense disappointment. I think I could have avoided some of the darker bits had someone made me conscious of the facts I’ve listed above. So, I hope that I can help at least one person to make the most of their time abroad. To immerse yourself, to love, and to explore, but to be aware, conscious, and smart.
My two biggest pieces of advice:
Don’t go looking for love, go looking for yourself and if love finds you, then love. You may find the man of your dreams. And if it’s a fling, go for it, girl.
I don’t think anyone ever regretted a tryst with a mysterious stranger.
{Disclaimer: I know people who have successful international relationships, so there are absolutely exceptions to this list}
About the author
This all hits very close to home. A year ago is studied abroad in Vienna, Austria and the moment I stepped off the plane the city captured my heart. What I didn’t know is that a few days later I would meet the man of my dreams. He was in my class and the first time I saw him something happened inside of my heart. At the time I didn’t speak German and he barely spoke English. Because of this, I learned my first German sentence; das ist eine Eidechse, which in English means; this is a lizard. Stupid I know but it meant a lot. He asked me on a date and it was perfect. We started dating and even though I was enjoying so many things and experiencing love abroad I couldn’t help but notice the little ticker in the back of my head counting down the days till I left. His name was Simon and he was more than I could have dreamed of. Three nights before I left we were skyping and I broke down crying because I was going to miss so many things and in that moment I knew he was the one for me. He calmed me down in such a caring way and we talked for the entire night, he was my rock and I knew we could make it through everything as long as we were both strong, even being an ocean apart. Months went by and everything was great! My parents flew him out here so they could meet him and they loved him as much as I did. A couple more months went by and then I flew back to Austria. I spent a month with him and his family which was more than I could have expected. A couple weeks after I left we ended breaking up, although it surprised me and broke my heart, I knew he and I both wouldn’t be happy with what was coming (cultural differences). See, in Austria when men graduate high school they are forced to work for the community and he chose the army which meant very little contact and when there was time he would be super tired. Half a year had passed and now he is done but I don’t think we will get back together as long as we are on different continents… It breaks my heart every time I think of it but I have been trying to get over him. I go do things and I have Ben on half a doze dates with other guys but none of the compare. Simon stole my heart and until I get it back, I don’t think I’ll ever move on.
Although there was a huge roller coaster of emotions and still are I would never trade my experience for anything, not just for the lessons I learned but for the man I met who changed my life for the better. I wasn’t looking for love but love found me and I can’t wait to tell my grandchildren of the adventures I’ve had.
Schöne grüße,
Myszka
Much of the article didn’t direclty apply, since I am an expat here and not on a visa. But I can comment on being American dating Dutch girls.
First, a bit of background. I came here as a single parent (I have two twin 9 year olds!). While it hasn’t been easy, probably the easiest thing has been learning the language and fitting it culture wise. Much of that has to do with my personality and my work. Having my own practice here and doing good work allows me lots of “inroads” into a culture. I’m not just subjected to the bar/club scene, for example. I also get a chance to really REALLY get to know people from all ages, young to old.
As for dating… that has been harder. While I don’t have the problems other foreign men seem to here (not finding anyone willing to date them!), I’m having lots of the good ole #3. (God, I feel like I’m describing some weird bathroom ritual!!! haha)
A buddy of mine said it best, “it’s like they are all robots!”. I know they aren’t, but sometimes the culture here down plays “passion”. “Do normaal” is a common saying, which really only means stop acting different. But, I AM!
My last girlfriend was a 27 year old ex-model. Very nice and all, but we had little emotional connection… after a few months I was more lonely than ever. She was nice and all, and we are still friends, but there just wasn’t that “click” you need to have. I speak fluent Dutch, so it wasn’t really a problem. More it was that the words almost NEVER have the same meaning. Try going to a translated film and you see what I mean. We has lots of miscommuincations about things. She and I were reading into stuff that wasn’t there quite often. This is enough of a problem with someone from your own culture, adding another language and you can see how hard it is.
I think it has something to do with missing out on similar childhood experiences. The little kids inside that we all are, were just not used to playing in the same way. Maybe, that’s it, in a nutshell. Maybe you get lucky and find someone who was raised in that way or not, maybe you don’t. I know one thing, I want that… connection. And as good (ors as bad) as she looks on the outside, it’s how you get along on the inside that really counts.
All in all, I would suggest just look at it as dating. That is what dating is about, trying people on. Sure, you risk being hurt but when DON’T you? Only by not trying at all right? Just realize that it probably won’t work out so keep that door open, don’t go burning any bridges to get back home!
Thanks. This post is exactly what my heart needed today.
After a similar experience myself, i too have come to the same conclusion. The tryst with this exotic stranger- is it true love or the love your life? I moved to Africa for a work assignment and met someone. Many of my friends have met their husbands on assignments aboard, so I too was actively looking for love in a foreign setting.
There were all the red flags, that I would never ignore, if i was home. But somehow when you are abroad you just let these things go by unnoticed hoping that this time, because of your special circumstances, you have met your prince charming. So all the normal rules went flying out of the window, due to my starry eyes (even though I am not a young 22 year old chica). In time after the visa expiry the relationship too expired. A week after moving back home, he never contacted me and when i asked what has happened he just said point blank that he cannot do a long distance relationship as it never works. (My mom was in the hospital at this point and he knew). Clearly this was his pattern, he dated foreign women because each relationship had a clear expiry date. I see now very clearly the five points you mentioned. What I have learnt now, is something invaluable- i will not be another foreign woman going through their revolving doors and above all will respect myself (life lesson!).
I agree that some people do find love abroad, but that should not be the goal of moving abroad- rather the aim should be to enjoy a new culture, experience new things- i did miss out on a lot because of not accepting invitations as i wanted to spend more time with him. Now I am much better equipped to handle this kind of situation abroad. I would like to tell all women who travel/live abroad not to throw out the normal dating rules that apply back home (basically taking care of yourself), just because you are abroad. They are many men out there who know how lonely you are and that you are looking for love- so please filter carefully- above all respecting yourself.