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How many travel and expat bloggers out there have wonderfully successful international relationships that they are more than happy to share with the world? As much as I love reading those stories, from my own years spent in Spain I have learned that dating abroad is not all sunshine and fairytales, and it has been idealized online far too often. From her own experiences, our contributor breaks it down for all of those starry-eyed youngsters hoping to fall in love while abroad.
Have you ever dated, had a fling or fallen in love abroad? Tell us about it! How did it end?
It seems like a dream…you move to a mysterious new land, meet a handsome stranger and fall hopelessly, passionately in love. Soon enough, you’re riding on the back of his Vespa through winding roads to watch the sunset from a spot that only locals know about thinking, is this real life??
That’s exactly what happened to me when I studied abroad in Granada, Spain last spring and, BOY, do I wish I had someone warn me that such a romance isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I wouldn’t trade in my experience for the world, but I want to share some of the darker sides of falling in love abroad that no one talks about.
First, some upsides to international love. I met a fantastic guy, I became fluent in Spanish from constantly conversing with my novio and his friends and family in their language. I learned colloquial terms and sayings I never would have known and got an insiders look into lesser-known spots in the city.
Oh, and I got to fall deeply in love in one of the most romantic cities in the world…I guess that’s pretty cool too.
But, just like any relationship, there are some aspects that are extremely difficult and painful. The difficult parts are often exacerbated in a foreign land as you are introduced to new cultural practices, beliefs and values. A language barrier doesn’t help things. So, I’ve put together a list of things that either hindered my relationship directly or have happened to my friends.
This should serve as a caution to starry-eyed girls who go abroad looking for a fairy tale…like a certain 20 year old I once knew.
1.This isn’t his first time at the rodeo
If you met at a disco/bar where study abroad students tend to flock; Rico Suave came with one thing in mind. Use your head, chica. Each year, thousands of Americans and international students move to these hotspot cities looking for an adventure, and men absolutely take advantage of this. Most women let loose, and rightly so, it’s a time for fun and few obligations. But, unfortunately for many women, this means doing things they normally wouldn’t back home. If a man picks you up in one of these situations, be wary. Oftentimes, the men that frequent these places are just looking for a fling, banking on the fact that a ton of girls are hoping to fall in love. We go in thinking it’s love, a story to tell our grandchildren, while we’re more than likely just going through a revolving door of American girls.
{If he pursues you outside of the nightlife atmosphere, doesn’t try to sleep with you immediately, and especially if he involves you in his life with his family and friends, however, he could very well be an exception}
2. You may not be in love with him
Moving away from home to a foreign land presents a multitude of new experiences that could influence your feelings during this time. When choosing where to move abroad, most women choose charming and romanticized places whether it be Rome, Barcelona, Buenos Aires or New Zealand. With the history, natural beauty and exciting culture, it’s easy to fall in love with the place you’re in and the life you live there. Between the yummy food, flowing drinks and new adventures, your pleasure center is constantly stimulated. Mix in a relationship with all these feelings and emotions and it becomes hard to distinguish how you feel about the person versus how you feel towards life in general at this time. Would you be in love with this guy if you were back in your home town? Would you want him to meet your parents? These are things worth thinking about if you’re interested in more than a fling.
3. You’ll never 100% understand each other
This one pertains solely to relationships where there is a language barrier. You could be as fluent as a non-native can be, but it is nearly impossible to truly understand humor or complicated emotion in a language that is not your mother tongue. Things like dry humor, sarcasm, and goofy jokes are extremely difficult to accurately translate. Combine that with the difficulty of conveying exactly why you’re mad/hurt/upset in a new language, and a lot of important things get lost in translation. This makes for a lot of frustration and, more than likely, many unnecessary fights.
{Upside: with all the passion and excitement surrounding you, makin’ up ain’t haaaalf bad}
4. You’ll miss out on experiences
If you’re only living abroad for a limited amount of time, having a man in your home base can and will distract you in some way. This isn’t some feminist “sister, a man will only hold you back from becoming the woman you should be” speal. It’s a fact. If you’re in love with someone and know your time together is limited by your visa, you will want to spend as much time with him as possible. This means turning down weekend jaunts to Ibiza to stay with him and nixing girls’ nights out of shameless bar-top dancing with your friends for quiet nights with your man. Many people only get the chance to live abroad once, and though you don’t think so in the moment, turning down exciting opportunities could be something you may regret when you look back on your life.
5. There’s an expiration date on your relationship
This has been a theme in each of the previous points. You have a visa, and visas expire. This means one of two things. You have to either accept your romance as nothing more than a fling, or, you have to commit. Commit to making a bi-continental relationship work, commit to a permanent move at some point, or commit to staying together with no plan at all. To know that you’re in love and these things have a way of working out. This is, of course, up to you.
My point is that in order to protect yourself from heartbreak and disappointment, there is a lot to consider before entering into a love affair abroad. My friends like to refer to what I had with my love as “the fairytale,” and, in many ways, it was. When I look back on my time with him in Granada, I remember the most intense feelings I’ve ever experienced in my life; passion, pain, confusion, excitement, desperation and intense disappointment. I think I could have avoided some of the darker bits had someone made me conscious of the facts I’ve listed above. So, I hope that I can help at least one person to make the most of their time abroad. To immerse yourself, to love, and to explore, but to be aware, conscious, and smart.
My two biggest pieces of advice:
Don’t go looking for love, go looking for yourself and if love finds you, then love. You may find the man of your dreams. And if it’s a fling, go for it, girl.
I don’t think anyone ever regretted a tryst with a mysterious stranger.
{Disclaimer: I know people who have successful international relationships, so there are absolutely exceptions to this list}
About the author
I experienced the same issue, but from the other perspective. I dated an Australian who was studying abroad at my university. We met the weekend before classes started, and what I thought would be a fun Australian fling turned into a very serious relationship that lasted over a year. I think us dating had a positive experience on his time abroad because he was really shy in new situations, and I introduced him to all my friends, brought him to sorority functions and quite literally forced him out of his shell. I also brought Americans to the exchange student parties and encouraged all the exchange students to come to campus events I was involved in. It was a great experience for everyone involved… while we were all in DC. After a semester, he moved back to Australia and we were long distance. I visited him for a month in Australia over the summer, but it was definitely hard to be living together after not seeing each other for 6 months. That next fall I had a choice: follow my dreams and study abroad in China, or go to Australia and be with my boyfriend. I chose my dreams over my relationship and we broke up. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I thank myself every day for being strong enough to make that choice.
Thanks so much for posting this. I’ve been trying to get the courage together to write a long post about choosing China over love, but I’ve never written anything that personal before and it’s intimidating. I think it’s definitely necessary to write though, because so many young girls struggle with that decision and opt out of adventure.
I just googled about falling in love abroad and read this article. I share a similar experience. I dated a guy on my exchange program in Australia, and while I thought it would just be a little fling abroad, it was in the end that I realized I might have actually fallen for him. While we had established that our relationship wouldn’t continue once I returned, I still wish I could have extended my stay. Although it was important for me to come back to finish my degree in college. We spoke once in a while but eventually it fizzled.
The worst part of falling for someone like that is that there was no reason to end it except for visa expiration.
Its been quite some time now, but I still wish to be with him. Somewhere deep down, I am not yet over him. But after reading the comments here, I feel like if it was meant to be, something would have happened.
I am going again to Australia for a trip, should I meet him or would that be heartbreaking again?
I just stumbled upon this post and read your comment. I went through the exact same experience 4 years ago while abroad for a summer and we decided to meet up with the man while I was back there this past Christmas and it felt like we had never been apart. It was so beautiful. I wouldn’t change a second of it for anything in the world. Meet up with him and see if it was really just a fling or if the feelings are still there! You won’t regret it I promise! I would have regretted it more if I hadn’t met up with him! Good luck! 🙂
Our move to Spain was very sudden, almost like an opportunity that landed on our lap.
A few months later, I met this spanish man at a bank where he works and that makes me his client. From that situation alone, I don’t think we’ll ever get to the “getting to know each other” on a friendship level at least.
I don’t know. There’s just something so captivating about him. I can sense passion and intensity in his eyes, his voice, the way he talks, walks and when I look into his eyes, I feel as if I’d melt. Things I have never seen in other men.
I had the same experience. I was on vacation in Belgium, and I met a boy 3 weeks before I left for the US. I really fell in love with him, but I didn’t know how because of the language barrier and everything. Sometimes it would be really hard to have a conversation together, and get each other’s jokes. It’s difficult to express the way you feel or even have intelligent conversations. I spoke some french and he spoke some english, so we managed, but maybe I really did feel in love because of your statement #2. I never thought of it that way.
And it was really sad when I left, almost like a movie. And I think that’s why it’s so easy to fall in love abroad, because everything’s like a fairytale or some kind of romantic movie. Like everything that you’ve seen in these romantic movies is finally your reality, something that almost everyone longs for.
It really hurts to leave someone like that, because you feel as though you have finally met someone that completes your heart, and you can’t even be with them. But I assure you that someday, if you don’t find anyone else and still want to find a way back to them, you will find each other… especially now with all the social networking we have today.
But as for the language barrier, it’s true that even after this guy, I stayed in Belgium for a year and half and did plenty of dating… it’s pretty hard to understand everything even while being able to speak almost fluent french, especially with humor. There are just certain phrases and play on words that we will never understand, no matter how well we speak another language, just like there are in english.
But at the same time, I wouldn’t get my hopes down too low. There are still plenty of happy couples that come from different countries and cultures. But I suppose you do have to watch out for these rules…