Check out this great guest post!
How many travel and expat bloggers out there have wonderfully successful international relationships that they are more than happy to share with the world? As much as I love reading those stories, from my own years spent in Spain I have learned that dating abroad is not all sunshine and fairytales, and it has been idealized online far too often. From her own experiences, our contributor breaks it down for all of those starry-eyed youngsters hoping to fall in love while abroad.
Have you ever dated, had a fling or fallen in love abroad? Tell us about it! How did it end?
It seems like a dream…you move to a mysterious new land, meet a handsome stranger and fall hopelessly, passionately in love. Soon enough, you’re riding on the back of his Vespa through winding roads to watch the sunset from a spot that only locals know about thinking, is this real life??
That’s exactly what happened to me when I studied abroad in Granada, Spain last spring and, BOY, do I wish I had someone warn me that such a romance isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I wouldn’t trade in my experience for the world, but I want to share some of the darker sides of falling in love abroad that no one talks about.
First, some upsides to international love. I met a fantastic guy, I became fluent in Spanish from constantly conversing with my novio and his friends and family in their language. I learned colloquial terms and sayings I never would have known and got an insiders look into lesser-known spots in the city.
Oh, and I got to fall deeply in love in one of the most romantic cities in the world…I guess that’s pretty cool too.
But, just like any relationship, there are some aspects that are extremely difficult and painful. The difficult parts are often exacerbated in a foreign land as you are introduced to new cultural practices, beliefs and values. A language barrier doesn’t help things. So, I’ve put together a list of things that either hindered my relationship directly or have happened to my friends.
This should serve as a caution to starry-eyed girls who go abroad looking for a fairy tale…like a certain 20 year old I once knew.
1.This isn’t his first time at the rodeo
If you met at a disco/bar where study abroad students tend to flock; Rico Suave came with one thing in mind. Use your head, chica. Each year, thousands of Americans and international students move to these hotspot cities looking for an adventure, and men absolutely take advantage of this. Most women let loose, and rightly so, it’s a time for fun and few obligations. But, unfortunately for many women, this means doing things they normally wouldn’t back home. If a man picks you up in one of these situations, be wary. Oftentimes, the men that frequent these places are just looking for a fling, banking on the fact that a ton of girls are hoping to fall in love. We go in thinking it’s love, a story to tell our grandchildren, while we’re more than likely just going through a revolving door of American girls.
{If he pursues you outside of the nightlife atmosphere, doesn’t try to sleep with you immediately, and especially if he involves you in his life with his family and friends, however, he could very well be an exception}
2. You may not be in love with him
Moving away from home to a foreign land presents a multitude of new experiences that could influence your feelings during this time. When choosing where to move abroad, most women choose charming and romanticized places whether it be Rome, Barcelona, Buenos Aires or New Zealand. With the history, natural beauty and exciting culture, it’s easy to fall in love with the place you’re in and the life you live there. Between the yummy food, flowing drinks and new adventures, your pleasure center is constantly stimulated. Mix in a relationship with all these feelings and emotions and it becomes hard to distinguish how you feel about the person versus how you feel towards life in general at this time. Would you be in love with this guy if you were back in your home town? Would you want him to meet your parents? These are things worth thinking about if you’re interested in more than a fling.
3. You’ll never 100% understand each other
This one pertains solely to relationships where there is a language barrier. You could be as fluent as a non-native can be, but it is nearly impossible to truly understand humor or complicated emotion in a language that is not your mother tongue. Things like dry humor, sarcasm, and goofy jokes are extremely difficult to accurately translate. Combine that with the difficulty of conveying exactly why you’re mad/hurt/upset in a new language, and a lot of important things get lost in translation. This makes for a lot of frustration and, more than likely, many unnecessary fights.
{Upside: with all the passion and excitement surrounding you, makin’ up ain’t haaaalf bad}
4. You’ll miss out on experiences
If you’re only living abroad for a limited amount of time, having a man in your home base can and will distract you in some way. This isn’t some feminist “sister, a man will only hold you back from becoming the woman you should be” speal. It’s a fact. If you’re in love with someone and know your time together is limited by your visa, you will want to spend as much time with him as possible. This means turning down weekend jaunts to Ibiza to stay with him and nixing girls’ nights out of shameless bar-top dancing with your friends for quiet nights with your man. Many people only get the chance to live abroad once, and though you don’t think so in the moment, turning down exciting opportunities could be something you may regret when you look back on your life.
5. There’s an expiration date on your relationship
This has been a theme in each of the previous points. You have a visa, and visas expire. This means one of two things. You have to either accept your romance as nothing more than a fling, or, you have to commit. Commit to making a bi-continental relationship work, commit to a permanent move at some point, or commit to staying together with no plan at all. To know that you’re in love and these things have a way of working out. This is, of course, up to you.
My point is that in order to protect yourself from heartbreak and disappointment, there is a lot to consider before entering into a love affair abroad. My friends like to refer to what I had with my love as “the fairytale,” and, in many ways, it was. When I look back on my time with him in Granada, I remember the most intense feelings I’ve ever experienced in my life; passion, pain, confusion, excitement, desperation and intense disappointment. I think I could have avoided some of the darker bits had someone made me conscious of the facts I’ve listed above. So, I hope that I can help at least one person to make the most of their time abroad. To immerse yourself, to love, and to explore, but to be aware, conscious, and smart.
My two biggest pieces of advice:
Don’t go looking for love, go looking for yourself and if love finds you, then love. You may find the man of your dreams. And if it’s a fling, go for it, girl.
I don’t think anyone ever regretted a tryst with a mysterious stranger.
{Disclaimer: I know people who have successful international relationships, so there are absolutely exceptions to this list}
About the author
Hello everyone
I am new in this stuff but really need your advice on it.
I am 40 years old and almost 5 months ago I went on a trip to Rome alone to make my dream come true and find my self in it. It was a trip I always wanted to do. I spent one week visit almost every little corner of rome which I absolutely fell in love with.
In this mood tha last day I was so devastaTed to have to go back to Greece. My country.
So there was this strike where everything was not functioning and while I was taking my way back to my flat to pick my staff and go to the airport I met my guy in a bus stop. I was returning from my last walk around and was a bit stressed that I would miss my plane. I asked a total stranger if he new which bus I should take and next thing we were walking together to my direction.we talked about life in italy and Greece Our jobs and things like that.
We exchanged Facebook he finally went me up to my door and we said thank you and goodbye.
After a couple of hrs I was in the metro and there he sends me a message in Facebook to wish me have a nice trip. I thanked him again and he said that I should return soon as he was thinking it was pity I met him on my last day in Rome. I thought the same way too.
As I was feeling lonely It was not so difficult to feel flattered by his words. He told me that I seemed like a very sweet and positive character and that if I stayed he would invite me to dinner. I told him do you think I should stay and he said be crazy…
Next thing I remember is changing my ticket for next morning and waiting him to pick me up from the airport.
Crazy e ?
I just wanted a last walk around pantheon… Heavy stuff was waiting for me back in Athens so I thought why not one more day?
We just went for drinks and walk around the center he started talking about his big relationship and his last and while talking to me like he was broken hearted he kissed me. And told me will you come with me on a trip together?
It felt strange.
In the beginning I was very hesitant but then I kissed him back and thought he was sweet .
…
After the drinks we had to go back to the airport as I had an early flight. I stayed only for some hrs…
TheRe he did not stop embracing me as if we were already a couple. I told him I would never forget this night and left with no intention to start something after this.
When I returned to Athens he started sending me whatsapp all the time but never called.
I said ok … Italian man.
Then he started talking more and more like he fell in love and that we deserve a future together as he said we had a very strange and rare chemistry.
He told me come back soon in two weeks there was a bank holiday.
I thought about it only one day and booked again tickets.
Something was fearing me because after a couple of days he would withdraw all this attention and also the communication was all about sending each other sweet talking and no substantial deeper level.
I started thinking it was wrong to go back or at least not stay at his home.
He insisted angry that since we are so distant how can I want to go and stay in my previous flat!
He told me from day 3 that he wanted to make love with me.
I should have been more smart.
I was seeing it as a fairy tale and he was just seeing me as a tourist.
Meanwhile he would go and make statements like he did not want a nice tourists he had already played many games in his life that now he wants to build a relationship and be in the same home and have a girl there to “help him”.
I said that we both have our careers and that we will see how it goes and that we will have to get to know each other.
I was already falling for him and felt that he was touching my heart with all attention I had.
He was so sweet with me all the time.
What I did not know is what I found out later.
When I went in two weeks to see him he told me first thing that he had a long distance relationship for seven years with a woman in Germany that ended 2-3 years ago. The relationship that he was telling me about in our first day in Rome…
Only he did not mention the detail that it was long distance…
She was 6 years older than him with two kids from a marriage and she was divorced.
He said that he was the one who broke up as she did not want a baby with him.
Then after 2-3 days he mentioned that she had gotten pregnant but lost the baby…
Also the first night he said that he left because she did not want a kid.
So after spending three days with him I came back in Athens and I was feeling empty …
Many other things happened and when I came back I had the impression it was over.
We kept talking on whatsapp and he said he would come in about a month to see me but that never happened as he never was planning it and kept me holding on waiting for him without telling me wether he wants or not to stop all this.
In the end he told me that we don’t know each other that he has a lot of troubles, that he wants to have a girl there and that he wants me to forgive his fragility because it would be very difficult for both of us.
In the beginning he was future faking that he would very soon ask me to stay there for ever as it is not enough to see me once a month and he was claiming he has the energy to solve all this distance thing issue.that made me book tickets. I was so naive…
I asked him if he is sure and he said that he is daydreaming for me that we live in the same house and other things that he would feel shame to say as he was completely in love with me…
What a coward to wake all my love while never intended to love me…
I made myself think that I should consider finding even a job in Rome. And leave my job and career in Athens.
I have a very good job and very well paid.
Anyway he told me all these things and when I asked why did you start all this since you had swore never to make a long distance elation ship again after your break up, he said that he could not stop it earlier because he was overwhelmed by my wave of love.
In the beginning of this conversation I was asking him what do you want from me? Do you want to finish this thing between us? He kept insisting that No no no. I love you and things like that.
But when I told him what I had realized …you will see below…he sai then ok I take my responsibility to finish things.
It was obvious he wanted to finish but he did not want to say it. I will never understand why.
So why did it take you 3 hrs to tell me that I asked him. He said I had no intention to finish but since you feel this way I prefer to have a girl here!!!
So we broke up and then he said why do you see it black and white??? Why do I give up in the first difficulty? Because the day we broke up I was really upset as I had already realized he had me replaced with another woman.
So when I started to be be cold and go away he went for the talk to make me feel like I was the one giving up.
I told him that I never wanted to feel like the way I felt last night when he hang up because someone was coming! And he did not want to hear him talking to me!
I felt insulted and disgusted but said to him only that I do not understand his behaviour and that I have to go to sleep. I totally vanished next day as I was really broken hearted and it was then that he started to send messages about his intention visit to me that would never eventually happen. For a whole month he would say nothing but now he suddenly remember to make plans…
It was all fake.
He never mentioned the incident except some lame excuses that he does not want his friends hear him talking personally on phone!
I commented nothing.
I was very polite and finished the conversation by saying thanks for the good moments goodnight.
Then he would send me messages immediately telling me like he was pitting me that I should go to sleep and talk to me tomorrow!
One month he was only texting and now that he told me he prefers to have a girl there he wanted to call me! To say what???
I told him that I don’t know what he wants anymore but I wish my peace and leave me alone.
He continued that he will always have me in his heart and that I live inside him…and that he wants to keep communication with me.
I said nothing and one week later he sent me another message to wish me good luck for something I had to do.
He did not want to seem like a jerk who only played with my feelings…
I am so sorry and regretted I even went back to see him…
It was my mistake and my fault to let my self fall for someone I did not know.
I believed in fairy tails obviously…
I thought that the dream o f love would come true.
I just wanted to feel loved…
I had him on a pedestal and what makes me angry really is that I feel a fool…and that he is probably laughing at me.
Thanks for anyone reading my story and sorry for my so long letter.
Hope all of you find your love abroad or in your country and be happy …
And s for me I deserve being alone as a fool that I really am…to fall for a man so easily.
You are not a fool! You just believed in the almost impossible…love at first sight in a truthful person is very very rare….or actually not falling in love at first sight is rare but a truthful person is!
Everybody would like to find someone who loves him/her BUT that is not enough of a reason to not check out that person intensely before starting a relationship (and yes I am talking about checking out that person through background checks online…social media…the more information you find the better).
Because these days the person you have to protect most is yourself.
Hope you find a truthful person some day who is real and not just one of many.
oh, and be smart: do never immigrate to another country for a man. If a man really loves you he can give up his life for you! You should not consider to do that for anyone!!!! I did and I regret it every day.
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