Check out this great guest post!
How many travel and expat bloggers out there have wonderfully successful international relationships that they are more than happy to share with the world? As much as I love reading those stories, from my own years spent in Spain I have learned that dating abroad is not all sunshine and fairytales, and it has been idealized online far too often. From her own experiences, our contributor breaks it down for all of those starry-eyed youngsters hoping to fall in love while abroad.
Have you ever dated, had a fling or fallen in love abroad? Tell us about it! How did it end?
It seems like a dream…you move to a mysterious new land, meet a handsome stranger and fall hopelessly, passionately in love. Soon enough, you’re riding on the back of his Vespa through winding roads to watch the sunset from a spot that only locals know about thinking, is this real life??
That’s exactly what happened to me when I studied abroad in Granada, Spain last spring and, BOY, do I wish I had someone warn me that such a romance isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I wouldn’t trade in my experience for the world, but I want to share some of the darker sides of falling in love abroad that no one talks about.
First, some upsides to international love. I met a fantastic guy, I became fluent in Spanish from constantly conversing with my novio and his friends and family in their language. I learned colloquial terms and sayings I never would have known and got an insiders look into lesser-known spots in the city.
Oh, and I got to fall deeply in love in one of the most romantic cities in the world…I guess that’s pretty cool too.
But, just like any relationship, there are some aspects that are extremely difficult and painful. The difficult parts are often exacerbated in a foreign land as you are introduced to new cultural practices, beliefs and values. A language barrier doesn’t help things. So, I’ve put together a list of things that either hindered my relationship directly or have happened to my friends.
This should serve as a caution to starry-eyed girls who go abroad looking for a fairy tale…like a certain 20 year old I once knew.
1.This isn’t his first time at the rodeo
If you met at a disco/bar where study abroad students tend to flock; Rico Suave came with one thing in mind. Use your head, chica. Each year, thousands of Americans and international students move to these hotspot cities looking for an adventure, and men absolutely take advantage of this. Most women let loose, and rightly so, it’s a time for fun and few obligations. But, unfortunately for many women, this means doing things they normally wouldn’t back home. If a man picks you up in one of these situations, be wary. Oftentimes, the men that frequent these places are just looking for a fling, banking on the fact that a ton of girls are hoping to fall in love. We go in thinking it’s love, a story to tell our grandchildren, while we’re more than likely just going through a revolving door of American girls.
{If he pursues you outside of the nightlife atmosphere, doesn’t try to sleep with you immediately, and especially if he involves you in his life with his family and friends, however, he could very well be an exception}
2. You may not be in love with him
Moving away from home to a foreign land presents a multitude of new experiences that could influence your feelings during this time. When choosing where to move abroad, most women choose charming and romanticized places whether it be Rome, Barcelona, Buenos Aires or New Zealand. With the history, natural beauty and exciting culture, it’s easy to fall in love with the place you’re in and the life you live there. Between the yummy food, flowing drinks and new adventures, your pleasure center is constantly stimulated. Mix in a relationship with all these feelings and emotions and it becomes hard to distinguish how you feel about the person versus how you feel towards life in general at this time. Would you be in love with this guy if you were back in your home town? Would you want him to meet your parents? These are things worth thinking about if you’re interested in more than a fling.
3. You’ll never 100% understand each other
This one pertains solely to relationships where there is a language barrier. You could be as fluent as a non-native can be, but it is nearly impossible to truly understand humor or complicated emotion in a language that is not your mother tongue. Things like dry humor, sarcasm, and goofy jokes are extremely difficult to accurately translate. Combine that with the difficulty of conveying exactly why you’re mad/hurt/upset in a new language, and a lot of important things get lost in translation. This makes for a lot of frustration and, more than likely, many unnecessary fights.
{Upside: with all the passion and excitement surrounding you, makin’ up ain’t haaaalf bad}
4. You’ll miss out on experiences
If you’re only living abroad for a limited amount of time, having a man in your home base can and will distract you in some way. This isn’t some feminist “sister, a man will only hold you back from becoming the woman you should be” speal. It’s a fact. If you’re in love with someone and know your time together is limited by your visa, you will want to spend as much time with him as possible. This means turning down weekend jaunts to Ibiza to stay with him and nixing girls’ nights out of shameless bar-top dancing with your friends for quiet nights with your man. Many people only get the chance to live abroad once, and though you don’t think so in the moment, turning down exciting opportunities could be something you may regret when you look back on your life.
5. There’s an expiration date on your relationship
This has been a theme in each of the previous points. You have a visa, and visas expire. This means one of two things. You have to either accept your romance as nothing more than a fling, or, you have to commit. Commit to making a bi-continental relationship work, commit to a permanent move at some point, or commit to staying together with no plan at all. To know that you’re in love and these things have a way of working out. This is, of course, up to you.
My point is that in order to protect yourself from heartbreak and disappointment, there is a lot to consider before entering into a love affair abroad. My friends like to refer to what I had with my love as “the fairytale,” and, in many ways, it was. When I look back on my time with him in Granada, I remember the most intense feelings I’ve ever experienced in my life; passion, pain, confusion, excitement, desperation and intense disappointment. I think I could have avoided some of the darker bits had someone made me conscious of the facts I’ve listed above. So, I hope that I can help at least one person to make the most of their time abroad. To immerse yourself, to love, and to explore, but to be aware, conscious, and smart.
My two biggest pieces of advice:
Don’t go looking for love, go looking for yourself and if love finds you, then love. You may find the man of your dreams. And if it’s a fling, go for it, girl.
I don’t think anyone ever regretted a tryst with a mysterious stranger.
{Disclaimer: I know people who have successful international relationships, so there are absolutely exceptions to this list}
About the author
I met my husband (of now 10 years) by coincidence online (I got “lost” online LOL).
The first 2 years of my relationship were extremely tough for the both of us (I am German/Dutch and my husband is an American from the South), but I believe it was even worse for me as I did not have a job nor children to distract me from being homesick. I am very grateful for my husband and out two wonderful children, but if I would have been better informed about the pain of “leaving my parents and brother behind” I probably would have chosen NOT to immigrate to the US. Yes, I am now officially a US citizen with a US passport, but I will always be a foreigner at the same time….not only because of my accent but also because of m background. I would not recommend anyone to immigrate to another country.
Be aware that when you immigrate your vacations will be from now on “family visits only” (unless you marry a millionaire or make so much money you can afford to fly every year to 2 destinations…I am only allowed to travel to Germany every second year and that although my husband makes a lot of money….but there lies the problem…HE makes it, so he decides and he wants to save for retirement which s very important in the US as it is up to you if you will have a good or bad life when you retire).
The feelings of guilt for “leaving my parents” who are getting older and need me will always be with me until I die.
The feeling of guilt that my children will never get to experience what I did experience as a child …simply because I live in another country hurts me more as I ever thought.
You will never ever meet anyone on the street who knows you from when you were younger…nobody will recognize you ever again…might sound good but doesn’t feel good.
And you will feel lonely for the rest of your life because after the first stage of falling in love your partner will get tired of feeling “responsible for your sadness”…my most lonely days here in the US are whenever my husband and I have a fight or heated disagreement, because whenever he decides not to talk to me no more I have nobody no more.
We moved 5 times in 10 years, so the friends I made are gone again.
No, I do not recommend to immigrate.
My advice: if you fall in love abroad RUN and try to forget that person. Live for yourself only and when you like your life then be open for a relationship but never ever be the one who moves away.
Nobody is that sacrifice worth!
Claudia, I hear you! Similar experiences. I was a happy, independent and adventurous woman with a wonderful family and close friends. Then I moved for love. Now I sometimes look into the mirror and wonder who that sad, homesick, lonely person is. My husband doesn’t want to hear about my homesickness anymore since I had years to adjust. I try so hard every single day, and yes, I function very well. But I just never arrived and loneliness is my constant companion. Gone are the days where friends would call me every day and the next adventure would be just around the corner. Gone is my optimistic,
bubbly self. Thanks so much for sharing. I feel less alone now. To all of you smart, brave and loveable women out there: Don’t sacrifice your happiness for a man. Never ever. Please!
I think this is a story of heartbreak that could’ve happened anywhere with anyone. There are men that have bad intentions all over. Personally, I believe there is a wonderful side to falling in love abroad. My boyfriend is from the UK and came to Texas for a foreign exchange year. He dated someone and had his fair share of heartbreak and then met me. We had a wonderful few months together that although very short were incredibly special. We fell in love. Something we thought we had felt before but were really just discovering. He adored me as I adored him and as the months came to an end we attempted to prepare for a goodbye. He left back to England in May to finish his final year of university and we decided to give the long distance relationship a shot. For 8 months we skyped and whatsapped and continue to love eachother more and more as the days passed. He came to visit me about 3 months in and in December I went to England for the month to spend my holidays with him. Around January doubts filled my head and things got rocky I didn’t know if this was what I wanted. So I broke up with him. In just a few days things went from glorious to terrible between us and we stopped speaking. In August he came back to Texas. He had applied to graduate school here to be close to me. And he went through with it. I had a boyfriend at the time and he knew I was off limits. So we began to talk but just as friends. We spent time with eachother and he was there when my boyfriend broke up with me. He was patient, kind despite all the pain I had put him through that year. With time he grew closer to me again and spent everyday just attempting to make me smile whether with flowers, my addiction for coffee, or just an afternoon at the mall together. I had been over him, I haas said we were just too different and we didn’t stand a chance together. I said those things with every intention to just be his friend. And with every day that passed he slowly without my knowing made me fall in love again… Or I wouldn’t say again, but maybe reminded me of the love I held for him. Within weeks I realized what it was I was feeling all over again and worry clouded my mind. He asked me one day what it was that I was doing. He was so confident in how I felt without me ever saying a word. And he wondered what it was holding me back. It was fear. Fear of hurting him again, fear of trying one more time to let go of all my doubts and let myself fall so hopelessly. He had my heart. Even during those months I denied it so intensely he always had hope in me and that meant so much, so even with fear and a bad past experience, I gave in. For once in my life I whole heartedly decided to give my all to someone despite the possible consequences. A life without risk is no life at all. Right now I’m proud to say that we have never been closer. Everything we went through made our bond stronger. And I now know that he is everything I want and could hope for. I have found my soulmate and all the distance in the world didn’t change that. He came back to America for me and for that I will always cherish him. Falling in love abroad could change your life in wonderful ways. We’re currently looking at engagement rings and who knows maybe get impatient and find a cheeky flight to Vegas..
Dutch girl here (26) who fell in love with an Argentinian guy (26) in Canada one year ago. Currently doing Amsterdam – Buenos Aires. Not always easy, dealing with the distance, poor internet connections and expensive flight tickets, but he is worth the wait. Hopefully he’ll find a job in Amsterdam next year
I met my white buffalo at 13, it was one or two of the best summers in my and owr neighborhoods in Years and still hasnt been the same. Perhaps somethings repeat, but, this kind of comunity is Very hard to find. Its actually impossible to find. All I can say is, im sorry I didnt read all your posts but I hope everyone can experience the world I know and love. I think its possible. But be carfull,,, youll be hard pressed to find anything like it again.