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How many travel and expat bloggers out there have wonderfully successful international relationships that they are more than happy to share with the world? As much as I love reading those stories, from my own years spent in Spain I have learned that dating abroad is not all sunshine and fairytales, and it has been idealized online far too often. From her own experiences, our contributor breaks it down for all of those starry-eyed youngsters hoping to fall in love while abroad.
Have you ever dated, had a fling or fallen in love abroad? Tell us about it! How did it end?
It seems like a dream…you move to a mysterious new land, meet a handsome stranger and fall hopelessly, passionately in love. Soon enough, you’re riding on the back of his Vespa through winding roads to watch the sunset from a spot that only locals know about thinking, is this real life??
That’s exactly what happened to me when I studied abroad in Granada, Spain last spring and, BOY, do I wish I had someone warn me that such a romance isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I wouldn’t trade in my experience for the world, but I want to share some of the darker sides of falling in love abroad that no one talks about.
First, some upsides to international love. I met a fantastic guy, I became fluent in Spanish from constantly conversing with my novio and his friends and family in their language. I learned colloquial terms and sayings I never would have known and got an insiders look into lesser-known spots in the city.
Oh, and I got to fall deeply in love in one of the most romantic cities in the world…I guess that’s pretty cool too.
But, just like any relationship, there are some aspects that are extremely difficult and painful. The difficult parts are often exacerbated in a foreign land as you are introduced to new cultural practices, beliefs and values. A language barrier doesn’t help things. So, I’ve put together a list of things that either hindered my relationship directly or have happened to my friends.
This should serve as a caution to starry-eyed girls who go abroad looking for a fairy tale…like a certain 20 year old I once knew.
1.This isn’t his first time at the rodeo
If you met at a disco/bar where study abroad students tend to flock; Rico Suave came with one thing in mind. Use your head, chica. Each year, thousands of Americans and international students move to these hotspot cities looking for an adventure, and men absolutely take advantage of this. Most women let loose, and rightly so, it’s a time for fun and few obligations. But, unfortunately for many women, this means doing things they normally wouldn’t back home. If a man picks you up in one of these situations, be wary. Oftentimes, the men that frequent these places are just looking for a fling, banking on the fact that a ton of girls are hoping to fall in love. We go in thinking it’s love, a story to tell our grandchildren, while we’re more than likely just going through a revolving door of American girls.
{If he pursues you outside of the nightlife atmosphere, doesn’t try to sleep with you immediately, and especially if he involves you in his life with his family and friends, however, he could very well be an exception}
2. You may not be in love with him
Moving away from home to a foreign land presents a multitude of new experiences that could influence your feelings during this time. When choosing where to move abroad, most women choose charming and romanticized places whether it be Rome, Barcelona, Buenos Aires or New Zealand. With the history, natural beauty and exciting culture, it’s easy to fall in love with the place you’re in and the life you live there. Between the yummy food, flowing drinks and new adventures, your pleasure center is constantly stimulated. Mix in a relationship with all these feelings and emotions and it becomes hard to distinguish how you feel about the person versus how you feel towards life in general at this time. Would you be in love with this guy if you were back in your home town? Would you want him to meet your parents? These are things worth thinking about if you’re interested in more than a fling.
3. You’ll never 100% understand each other
This one pertains solely to relationships where there is a language barrier. You could be as fluent as a non-native can be, but it is nearly impossible to truly understand humor or complicated emotion in a language that is not your mother tongue. Things like dry humor, sarcasm, and goofy jokes are extremely difficult to accurately translate. Combine that with the difficulty of conveying exactly why you’re mad/hurt/upset in a new language, and a lot of important things get lost in translation. This makes for a lot of frustration and, more than likely, many unnecessary fights.
{Upside: with all the passion and excitement surrounding you, makin’ up ain’t haaaalf bad}
4. You’ll miss out on experiences
If you’re only living abroad for a limited amount of time, having a man in your home base can and will distract you in some way. This isn’t some feminist “sister, a man will only hold you back from becoming the woman you should be” speal. It’s a fact. If you’re in love with someone and know your time together is limited by your visa, you will want to spend as much time with him as possible. This means turning down weekend jaunts to Ibiza to stay with him and nixing girls’ nights out of shameless bar-top dancing with your friends for quiet nights with your man. Many people only get the chance to live abroad once, and though you don’t think so in the moment, turning down exciting opportunities could be something you may regret when you look back on your life.
5. There’s an expiration date on your relationship
This has been a theme in each of the previous points. You have a visa, and visas expire. This means one of two things. You have to either accept your romance as nothing more than a fling, or, you have to commit. Commit to making a bi-continental relationship work, commit to a permanent move at some point, or commit to staying together with no plan at all. To know that you’re in love and these things have a way of working out. This is, of course, up to you.
My point is that in order to protect yourself from heartbreak and disappointment, there is a lot to consider before entering into a love affair abroad. My friends like to refer to what I had with my love as “the fairytale,” and, in many ways, it was. When I look back on my time with him in Granada, I remember the most intense feelings I’ve ever experienced in my life; passion, pain, confusion, excitement, desperation and intense disappointment. I think I could have avoided some of the darker bits had someone made me conscious of the facts I’ve listed above. So, I hope that I can help at least one person to make the most of their time abroad. To immerse yourself, to love, and to explore, but to be aware, conscious, and smart.
My two biggest pieces of advice:
Don’t go looking for love, go looking for yourself and if love finds you, then love. You may find the man of your dreams. And if it’s a fling, go for it, girl.
I don’t think anyone ever regretted a tryst with a mysterious stranger.
{Disclaimer: I know people who have successful international relationships, so there are absolutely exceptions to this list}
About the author
There’s surprisingly little written about study abroad romances – your blog post wraps it up well! Especially #5 about the expiration date.. as sad as it might be to have that, sometimes the best moments happen because of the time constraints. That’s what I keep telling myself to stay positive 🙂
I am in my early 30s. I live and work abroad. I fell in love over the last year. We both know my contract is temporary. And we have discussed several times the fact that I will go home, and we will not be together. Sometimes there are certain sacrifices some people are not willing to make. I am willing to discuss possible ways or next steps, but I know he is not ready to make any change so that we could be together. I am not willing to wait for him to see what I see.
Even as we agreed that our relationship has a term, and that sounds sad, it has helped me understand many things, which is great. All relationships have terms. No two people will ever fully understand each other. Each relationship has a unique opportunity for each person to grow. And because we both understand that we will be apart, no moment is wasted. All time together is precious. We leave nothing on the table. We learn, teach, and grow. We can be more open and more vulnerable perhaps, because we are not afraid of any commitment issues. And I think all of this understanding, practiced well, leads to good habits applicable to all relationships.
I don’t know if I would have gotten into the same relationship with the same person had I been in the US. There is something special about living abroad, something that makes us open our eyes, hearts, and minds, unlike any other life circumstances.
It makes me sad to think I will live apart from this man and the best relationship of my life. I have hope though, that the best is yet to come. I know I won’t settle for anything less.
I still think this post makes it look pretty rosy. Ending it with a message indicating sleeping around with mysterious men is extremely unwise – you are only perpetuating the stereotype and worsening the very problem you’re addressing in this article.
I too feel in love in Spain. We stayed in touch for a couple years, visiting each other and the like. Until I realized it was just unrealistic.
One of my best friends married her “rico suave” because it was the only way for them to be together. It worked for the first year while they still lived abroad, but once they moved back to the US she realized there was a lot more to her life than what this guy represented. They’re now getting divorced, two years later.
It’s not impossible to have a real romance abroad, but don’t be another silly gringa.
Hi Laura,
I’m sorry you were so disillusioned by your experiences with love abroad. I know first-hand how hard that can be. That said, I think you may have gotten the wrong message from my article, as my objective was to encourage young women to be conscious about the realities of relationships abroad, not to promote random sex. As I say above: “I think I could have avoided some of the darker bits had someone made me conscious of the facts I’ve listed above. So, I hope that I can help at least one person to make the most of their time abroad. To immerse yourself, to love, and to explore, but to be aware, conscious, and smart.”
Yes, I do close out the post with a little bit of sass, but I am in no way promoting sleeping around. It seems that you have taken my statement in a very negative light, and interpreted it to mean “promiscuous, silly girls sleeping around with random men,” but that sentiment is absolutely not present in my words. This post is about romance, not sex. I’m a romantic at heart, and truly believe that if a woman is interested in a flirtation or whirlwind romance (or even sex) then that is her right, and her business. I would never consider myself or any other woman a “silly gringa” for being brave enough to open her heart to someone. After all, what we do with our own hearts and our own bodies as empowered women really isn’t for anyone but God to judge, now is it?
Relationships like these often teach us something valuable about ourselves and life in general, especially when they take place in a foreign land. I hope this post can help other women be aware of the dangers that these romances pose to the heart, to help them make an informed decision and let them know that they are not alone in their struggles. If this post helps even 1 person avoid the disappointment that I (and it seems you and your friend) have experienced, then I will be happy.
Thanks for taking the time out to comment, and I hope you now see my story in a more positive light.
– J.
While I ‘survived’ my time studiying abroad and didn’t fall in love, this did not happen when I went to work for half a year in China and travel in other parts of Asia afterwards.
My cousin is together with an Irish man whom she met while traveling in Australia. Seeing how me and my cousin are very alike, my mom, who saw the same thing happening to me already that happened to my cousin, ‘warned’ me before I left for China ‘not to fall in love’.
She should not have done that. After a month in China I met my boyfriend. We became friends, there were no lovey-feelings involved at all (we were both not looking for love, at all). Or, that is what I kept telling myself. I was leaving in a few months and since he is American and Im Dutch I didn’t really see a future for us. But after 2 months of just friendship we were both ready to admit there was more to it.
And you know with love, if it’s meant to be, you can’t stop it. So, long story short, we decided to give it a go. We decided that almost 2,5 years ago and we’re still going strong.
Yes, it’s not always easy but those moments don’t ‘beat’ the moments that we’re happy we made the decision to commit and see how things would evolve. Cause the last years have been really good.
Right now we’re still living in China. That’s works for us now (especially visa-wise), in the future we’d like to move somewhere else, that could become difficult…