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How many travel and expat bloggers out there have wonderfully successful international relationships that they are more than happy to share with the world? As much as I love reading those stories, from my own years spent in Spain I have learned that dating abroad is not all sunshine and fairytales, and it has been idealized online far too often. From her own experiences, our contributor breaks it down for all of those starry-eyed youngsters hoping to fall in love while abroad.
Have you ever dated, had a fling or fallen in love abroad? Tell us about it! How did it end?
It seems like a dream…you move to a mysterious new land, meet a handsome stranger and fall hopelessly, passionately in love. Soon enough, you’re riding on the back of his Vespa through winding roads to watch the sunset from a spot that only locals know about thinking, is this real life??
That’s exactly what happened to me when I studied abroad in Granada, Spain last spring and, BOY, do I wish I had someone warn me that such a romance isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I wouldn’t trade in my experience for the world, but I want to share some of the darker sides of falling in love abroad that no one talks about.
First, some upsides to international love. I met a fantastic guy, I became fluent in Spanish from constantly conversing with my novio and his friends and family in their language. I learned colloquial terms and sayings I never would have known and got an insiders look into lesser-known spots in the city.
Oh, and I got to fall deeply in love in one of the most romantic cities in the world…I guess that’s pretty cool too.
But, just like any relationship, there are some aspects that are extremely difficult and painful. The difficult parts are often exacerbated in a foreign land as you are introduced to new cultural practices, beliefs and values. A language barrier doesn’t help things. So, I’ve put together a list of things that either hindered my relationship directly or have happened to my friends.
This should serve as a caution to starry-eyed girls who go abroad looking for a fairy tale…like a certain 20 year old I once knew.
1.This isn’t his first time at the rodeo
If you met at a disco/bar where study abroad students tend to flock; Rico Suave came with one thing in mind. Use your head, chica. Each year, thousands of Americans and international students move to these hotspot cities looking for an adventure, and men absolutely take advantage of this. Most women let loose, and rightly so, it’s a time for fun and few obligations. But, unfortunately for many women, this means doing things they normally wouldn’t back home. If a man picks you up in one of these situations, be wary. Oftentimes, the men that frequent these places are just looking for a fling, banking on the fact that a ton of girls are hoping to fall in love. We go in thinking it’s love, a story to tell our grandchildren, while we’re more than likely just going through a revolving door of American girls.
{If he pursues you outside of the nightlife atmosphere, doesn’t try to sleep with you immediately, and especially if he involves you in his life with his family and friends, however, he could very well be an exception}
2. You may not be in love with him
Moving away from home to a foreign land presents a multitude of new experiences that could influence your feelings during this time. When choosing where to move abroad, most women choose charming and romanticized places whether it be Rome, Barcelona, Buenos Aires or New Zealand. With the history, natural beauty and exciting culture, it’s easy to fall in love with the place you’re in and the life you live there. Between the yummy food, flowing drinks and new adventures, your pleasure center is constantly stimulated. Mix in a relationship with all these feelings and emotions and it becomes hard to distinguish how you feel about the person versus how you feel towards life in general at this time. Would you be in love with this guy if you were back in your home town? Would you want him to meet your parents? These are things worth thinking about if you’re interested in more than a fling.
3. You’ll never 100% understand each other
This one pertains solely to relationships where there is a language barrier. You could be as fluent as a non-native can be, but it is nearly impossible to truly understand humor or complicated emotion in a language that is not your mother tongue. Things like dry humor, sarcasm, and goofy jokes are extremely difficult to accurately translate. Combine that with the difficulty of conveying exactly why you’re mad/hurt/upset in a new language, and a lot of important things get lost in translation. This makes for a lot of frustration and, more than likely, many unnecessary fights.
{Upside: with all the passion and excitement surrounding you, makin’ up ain’t haaaalf bad}
4. You’ll miss out on experiences
If you’re only living abroad for a limited amount of time, having a man in your home base can and will distract you in some way. This isn’t some feminist “sister, a man will only hold you back from becoming the woman you should be” speal. It’s a fact. If you’re in love with someone and know your time together is limited by your visa, you will want to spend as much time with him as possible. This means turning down weekend jaunts to Ibiza to stay with him and nixing girls’ nights out of shameless bar-top dancing with your friends for quiet nights with your man. Many people only get the chance to live abroad once, and though you don’t think so in the moment, turning down exciting opportunities could be something you may regret when you look back on your life.
5. There’s an expiration date on your relationship
This has been a theme in each of the previous points. You have a visa, and visas expire. This means one of two things. You have to either accept your romance as nothing more than a fling, or, you have to commit. Commit to making a bi-continental relationship work, commit to a permanent move at some point, or commit to staying together with no plan at all. To know that you’re in love and these things have a way of working out. This is, of course, up to you.
My point is that in order to protect yourself from heartbreak and disappointment, there is a lot to consider before entering into a love affair abroad. My friends like to refer to what I had with my love as “the fairytale,” and, in many ways, it was. When I look back on my time with him in Granada, I remember the most intense feelings I’ve ever experienced in my life; passion, pain, confusion, excitement, desperation and intense disappointment. I think I could have avoided some of the darker bits had someone made me conscious of the facts I’ve listed above. So, I hope that I can help at least one person to make the most of their time abroad. To immerse yourself, to love, and to explore, but to be aware, conscious, and smart.
My two biggest pieces of advice:
Don’t go looking for love, go looking for yourself and if love finds you, then love. You may find the man of your dreams. And if it’s a fling, go for it, girl.
I don’t think anyone ever regretted a tryst with a mysterious stranger.
{Disclaimer: I know people who have successful international relationships, so there are absolutely exceptions to this list}
About the author
I have to say, while international long-distance is hard, it is COMPLETELY worth it. I met the love of my life during a music festival when I studied abroad in South Africa. All I got as his name and what he studied. A week later we ran into each other in a bar and the rest is history. It was completely accidental, I never intended on finding love. But long distance is TOTALLY doable.
With Skype and WhatApp, long distance relationships are a breeze (not really, but it ain’t thaaat bad). You just have to keep an open mind and go with the flow. Trust and communication are essential! If you are considering long-distance, know that they DO work as long as you are willing to put in the work. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and while we have had some hiccups, I couldn’t be happier. I’m actually flying out to see him during my university break in two days so I wayyyyy too excited. Good luck to all you long-distance love birds!
I’m an exception. I found the love of my life while knocking back steins at Oktoberfest in Munich. After 5 partly-blurry hours that day, my life had forever changed. Our story is on Amazon: Once Upon an Oktoberfest: A Love That Went the Distance. Travel fairy tales do exist <3
Found this article and thought I’d share my story. Mine is a little different in the fact I met a girl online doing a language exchange. We started talking a lot and eventually exchanged letters and gifts via snail mail. Turns out she had an Uncle and Cousin in my country and even in my University town. She also informed me she was coming to my country for a year to live and practice English. Fast forward 6 months and she arrives, we meet up, we connect and we fall in love. One year later her Visa runs up, and she has to go back home.
That night affter leaving her place driving home knowing I may never see her again was definitely the saddest moment of my life and still remember it vividly. In order to stay together I would have had to move to her country with the prospects of getting an English teaching position, being the young fool I was, I wasn’t ready for that just yet as I just landed a stable job recently out of University. We broke up two months after she left. Fast forward a year, I dated a bit but nothing felt right or the same as what I had with her. I eventually quit my job as I wasn’t happy there and decided to travel, and visited her country, we hung out for a week and it was amazing. The feelings were definitely still there but nothing came of it. We still messaged and talked every day or so but eventually she cuts off contact as she has a boyfriend. I can’t contact her as she blocked all contact from me.
Fast forward 9 more months (up until one month ago), and she calls me to apologize for telling me not to contact her as it was her boyfriend who didn’t want her talking to me. I told her how happy I was to hear her voice and we talked for an hour, reminiscing and how she doesn’t think her current relationship is healthy etc etc.
Anyways, I realize NOW and too late that I still love this girl, I will always love her, and I want to tell her I still love her and always will, and if she still has feelings for me I want to make it work. I’ll move to her country, and if she doesn’t then I have closure and can move on.
She moved and I now have no way of finding where she is. Sucks. Just wish I followed my heart two years ago rather than saving money.
I went to Cuba last month and met a great guy. Funny story! I thought he stood out at the beach party were we met and my girlfriend told me to approach him…I refused, chicken mostly. Then about ah 1/2 hour later he approached me. With little English (him) and Spanish(me), we both found it cute and crazy that we could even communicate effectively.. We went out separate ways that night with intentions to meet the next day. As planned, he was there and everyday after that. We spent time chatting and enjoying each others company every single day. I thought it was great having fun with someone and never really thought about anything else. Did not even think about me leaving or living anywhere else but in those moments with him. I guess he felt the same way too until he asked if I would meet his parents. I was blown away. He explained how he felt, and he did not want to loose this thing we had. And wondered if I felt the same. I told him I was having such a great time that I never really noticed how much my feet wasn’t touching ground. He left his number and told me he was sorry if he disturbed my vacation and I can call him if I had a change of heart, but he was not willing to play with his feelings just for a moment. After not seeing him for a cou[ple of days, I missed him and realized that I felt so complete with him, that I did not even think about being without him. We reunited and boy what greatness I felt for the first time with him. And I met his family who welcomed me with loving arms. They said he has never brought a woman home as his intention. Since I have returned home, there has not been a day that we have not communicated with each other. I plan to return in the very near future. But don’t be confused: I as every woman have security questions of my heart getting broken. But what is life if you are afraid to LIVE?. With language and culture as our biggest barriers, we believe that love will always conquer all. We are both enrolled in Language classes. Only time will tell!