Check out this great guest post!
How many travel and expat bloggers out there have wonderfully successful international relationships that they are more than happy to share with the world? As much as I love reading those stories, from my own years spent in Spain I have learned that dating abroad is not all sunshine and fairytales, and it has been idealized online far too often. From her own experiences, our contributor breaks it down for all of those starry-eyed youngsters hoping to fall in love while abroad.
Have you ever dated, had a fling or fallen in love abroad? Tell us about it! How did it end?
It seems like a dream…you move to a mysterious new land, meet a handsome stranger and fall hopelessly, passionately in love. Soon enough, you’re riding on the back of his Vespa through winding roads to watch the sunset from a spot that only locals know about thinking, is this real life??
That’s exactly what happened to me when I studied abroad in Granada, Spain last spring and, BOY, do I wish I had someone warn me that such a romance isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I wouldn’t trade in my experience for the world, but I want to share some of the darker sides of falling in love abroad that no one talks about.
First, some upsides to international love. I met a fantastic guy, I became fluent in Spanish from constantly conversing with my novio and his friends and family in their language. I learned colloquial terms and sayings I never would have known and got an insiders look into lesser-known spots in the city.
Oh, and I got to fall deeply in love in one of the most romantic cities in the world…I guess that’s pretty cool too.
But, just like any relationship, there are some aspects that are extremely difficult and painful. The difficult parts are often exacerbated in a foreign land as you are introduced to new cultural practices, beliefs and values. A language barrier doesn’t help things. So, I’ve put together a list of things that either hindered my relationship directly or have happened to my friends.
This should serve as a caution to starry-eyed girls who go abroad looking for a fairy tale…like a certain 20 year old I once knew.
1.This isn’t his first time at the rodeo
If you met at a disco/bar where study abroad students tend to flock; Rico Suave came with one thing in mind. Use your head, chica. Each year, thousands of Americans and international students move to these hotspot cities looking for an adventure, and men absolutely take advantage of this. Most women let loose, and rightly so, it’s a time for fun and few obligations. But, unfortunately for many women, this means doing things they normally wouldn’t back home. If a man picks you up in one of these situations, be wary. Oftentimes, the men that frequent these places are just looking for a fling, banking on the fact that a ton of girls are hoping to fall in love. We go in thinking it’s love, a story to tell our grandchildren, while we’re more than likely just going through a revolving door of American girls.
{If he pursues you outside of the nightlife atmosphere, doesn’t try to sleep with you immediately, and especially if he involves you in his life with his family and friends, however, he could very well be an exception}
2. You may not be in love with him
Moving away from home to a foreign land presents a multitude of new experiences that could influence your feelings during this time. When choosing where to move abroad, most women choose charming and romanticized places whether it be Rome, Barcelona, Buenos Aires or New Zealand. With the history, natural beauty and exciting culture, it’s easy to fall in love with the place you’re in and the life you live there. Between the yummy food, flowing drinks and new adventures, your pleasure center is constantly stimulated. Mix in a relationship with all these feelings and emotions and it becomes hard to distinguish how you feel about the person versus how you feel towards life in general at this time. Would you be in love with this guy if you were back in your home town? Would you want him to meet your parents? These are things worth thinking about if you’re interested in more than a fling.
3. You’ll never 100% understand each other
This one pertains solely to relationships where there is a language barrier. You could be as fluent as a non-native can be, but it is nearly impossible to truly understand humor or complicated emotion in a language that is not your mother tongue. Things like dry humor, sarcasm, and goofy jokes are extremely difficult to accurately translate. Combine that with the difficulty of conveying exactly why you’re mad/hurt/upset in a new language, and a lot of important things get lost in translation. This makes for a lot of frustration and, more than likely, many unnecessary fights.
{Upside: with all the passion and excitement surrounding you, makin’ up ain’t haaaalf bad}
4. You’ll miss out on experiences
If you’re only living abroad for a limited amount of time, having a man in your home base can and will distract you in some way. This isn’t some feminist “sister, a man will only hold you back from becoming the woman you should be” speal. It’s a fact. If you’re in love with someone and know your time together is limited by your visa, you will want to spend as much time with him as possible. This means turning down weekend jaunts to Ibiza to stay with him and nixing girls’ nights out of shameless bar-top dancing with your friends for quiet nights with your man. Many people only get the chance to live abroad once, and though you don’t think so in the moment, turning down exciting opportunities could be something you may regret when you look back on your life.
5. There’s an expiration date on your relationship
This has been a theme in each of the previous points. You have a visa, and visas expire. This means one of two things. You have to either accept your romance as nothing more than a fling, or, you have to commit. Commit to making a bi-continental relationship work, commit to a permanent move at some point, or commit to staying together with no plan at all. To know that you’re in love and these things have a way of working out. This is, of course, up to you.
My point is that in order to protect yourself from heartbreak and disappointment, there is a lot to consider before entering into a love affair abroad. My friends like to refer to what I had with my love as “the fairytale,” and, in many ways, it was. When I look back on my time with him in Granada, I remember the most intense feelings I’ve ever experienced in my life; passion, pain, confusion, excitement, desperation and intense disappointment. I think I could have avoided some of the darker bits had someone made me conscious of the facts I’ve listed above. So, I hope that I can help at least one person to make the most of their time abroad. To immerse yourself, to love, and to explore, but to be aware, conscious, and smart.
My two biggest pieces of advice:
Don’t go looking for love, go looking for yourself and if love finds you, then love. You may find the man of your dreams. And if it’s a fling, go for it, girl.
I don’t think anyone ever regretted a tryst with a mysterious stranger.
{Disclaimer: I know people who have successful international relationships, so there are absolutely exceptions to this list}
About the author
We r from different countries.. We love eachother. We tried alot but couldn’t be apart currently we r in bharain. We work here. Problem she doesn’t wants to go my home n live there with me. ?
Hey! Thank you à lot for your post. I found myself reflected on it cause I’m on my erasmus year in Paris and I have just lived what it had happened to you too. Right now I’m meeting someone new, everything is more intense when you’re abroad but right now I have the mentality you describe I your post. 🙂
I had a good relationship back home when I was young but he disappeared. I was devastated and just want to die. Then I went to England to work and met my husband there and we have 2 children. Despite the years I still remember that boy and tried to check his name on social media to no avail. After a few years, he appeared in my dreams and straight away I checked his name in Facebook. His name was there and I sent him a message. That same day he replied to my message and we talked and chat everyday since then. Yes he got his own family and even have his wife with him in UAE but it seems we didn’t just need closure as he told me he’s been searching for me relentlessly and even went back a few times where we previously lived but I wasn’t there anymore. We love each other. We say those things to one another. But despite him wanting to meet. Ack home I know it’ll be more complicated than what we have now.
The woman here is correct. I was in a 2 year relationship with a woman in Keratsini Greece and I almost lost my life from a brain hemorrhage due to it when we broke up (Sub-dural hematoma and yes, I am fine)
You do fall in love with the other person, but you are also influenced with the amazing experiences you will have when you are with this person, and in certain cases (like mine) that may make you do some crazy things, like going “all in” on a relationship when the other person can not reciprocate, meaning you end up carrying all the weight because you want it so bad.
The other negative is that you will probably never reach those same highs again with somebody else more local, who may be much more compatible, but giving you the false perception they are not good for you because of that.
The woman I am with now is also a long distance relationship (Same country as me, 5 hour drive, not a 1 day flight) much more stable, no ups and downs, no massive anxiety issues, we can communicate, etc, etc. I don’t feel that same huge pulse of emotion I felt with the woman in Greece though, but I think that is because me going to her city, is not the same as me going to greece. Or perhaps because we speak the same language, she understands me so we don’t have any freak outs 😉 Remember, anger and excitement fuel passion.
Anyways, this is kind of what happened:
I was introduced to a girl in Greece at the beginning of 2013 via Skype and after speaking to her for about 6 months, I was able to visit her (I live in Canada). Over time, I fell in love with her and her family and I grew to love the country more than I had on previous trips. I went back at Christmas and we took a trip to Paris. I returned in March and then took a leave of absence and went again in May for a few months, until the relationship ended, so I disrupted my life quite a bit to try and make this work. She didn’t really disrupt hers, except for me being around her.
I put everything on hold, spent countless hours learning the language better and teaching myself to read and write greek, disrupted my work week for skype sessions, took countless unpaid hours from work and made 4 trips to Greece for her and I do not regret any of it, except that it didn’t work. I feel to this day that I did everything for her and she didn’t reciprocate, but I am probably being selfish and unfair to her.
It is the little things you remember after, the things you did for her that have you scratching your head wondering why she didn’t seem to “care”, or couldn’t show it.
I remember how she got sick and I spent every hour by her bed the second day I got to Greece, to look after her.
I remember the trip to Paris and how we both felt like two little kids, lost in amazement at how awesome Christmas in Paris was. We walked the entire inner city and went to Disney Land and I remember and replay it in my head to this day because I felt things I had never felt before and was able to share it with her. It was pure joy. The happiest time in my life.
I remember putting two candles in Noterdame in Paris and praying to god we would be together forever.
I remember how scared she was on the plane, and how I spent 3 hours each way trying to look clam and assure her nothing was going wrong.
I remember waiting on her balcony every day to see her as she drove up because I was so excited
I also remember the shy look she gave me as she came up to eat lunch after work and how she looked more excited to speak to her mother than me sometimes.
I remember the smell of her hair and the enjoyment I had holding her hand and walking through Paris and Rhodes and other places we went, because I felt this was the woman I had fallen in love with and was destined to marry.
I remember the long talks I had with her parents and enjoyed those a lot. I remember renovating her apartment completely and the things her father taught me. I also remember how she started screaming about small imperfections, demanding I redo the paint, etc, etc. Maybe I took it too personally?
I also remember how she always said “we will see” when I asked her to make plans or how when I went to book the tickets for Canada so she could see my home, how she said if they cost anymore than $1500 euro she wouldn’t go (I wanted to pay the full price myself, but she insisted and then set a wall). I remember how she sometimes wouldn’t look at me while we were eating dinner, and worst of all, I remember when I broke down and said I needed her strength to assure me she wanted to be with me, she just got upset and started screaming.
I remember when I left Greece and came back home and a month later when I was in the hospital with a doctor telling me I had blood on my brain, and I thought I was dying and begging her to come to see me and that I needed her, she wouldn’t come and I knew damn well if the reverse was true, I would of been there in 36 hours.
I remember trying to recuperate and trying to take the first plane to Greece and the doctors and my family telling me I was stupid and doing everything in their power to prevent me, while she was saying it was up to me to come see her. I was in pure hell for 8 months.
I remember when I was back in Canada and we had gotten back together, her yelling at me over Viber because I was in a meeting with my boss for 2 hours and couldn’t “find the time” to text her.
When I ended it with her, I remember saying “I just wanted you to do something for me!” and the resulting scream being “I was going to do everything for you!!!!!!”.
Yes, but you never did and now, you are the same lonely girl sitting with her mother every night that you were before, while I anguish daily about why I couldn’t reach thru to you because I love you so much.
Still, I love that woman and her family and I almost left everything I had in Canada to go to Greece in the middle of 27% unemployment to be with her and hopefully raise a family, because I felt I was truly happy in Greece at the time with them.
On retrospect, I probably would of come home a broken man, or that is what I have tried to convince myself.
I still remember how I felt each time I was to get on the plane to go see my ex-greek girlfriend or to skype her, and how happy I was to hold her hand while we walked Paris, Athens, Rhodes and other places.
I don’t blame the woman in Greece, I blame myself for not being good or strong or experienced enough.
So yes, you can love somebody to death, but that doesn’t mean it will work out for you. Sometimes, you have to make your decision and move on, but the memory ……
The memory may fade with time, but it only ends when the people who have them fade away and this is one I will take to the grave with me.
I wish you all luck in your new loves and maybe getting over your old loves. Just remember that you have to make a choice.